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Modern Renegades with Ashley Kelsch | 90 Days of Celibacy

Ep #75

90 Days of Celibacy

Joseph Campbell says, “You have to strive every minute to get rid of the life that you have planned in order to have the life that is waiting to be yours.” In order for us to evolve, Renegades, we have to get uncomfortable.

A week ago, I announced that I am taking a minor detour from my usual wellness program and dating life, and taking 90 days of celibacy. I will have zero engagement with any man who is remotely more than a friend. No flirting or bantering; a full-blown mens cleanse. I know – what?!

Join me this week as I share why I’m taking 90 days of celibacy and what I hope to achieve at the end of it. It is said that if you can harness your sexual energy and channel it to your creative sources, that you can possibly create on a genius level. I’m looking forward to directing my energy elsewhere and giving you some inspiration to consider your own sex life.

What You Will Discover:

  • How my friends have reacted to my celibacy announcement.
  • Three reasons I am taking 90 days of celibacy.
  • Why a woman’s sex drive increases in her 40s.
  • How chemicals in our body lead to sexual attraction.
  • What I hope to achieve after 90 days of celibacy.

Resources Mentioned:

  • If you’re enjoying the tools and concepts I’m sharing each week about your brain on dating, you won’t want to miss out on working with me one-on-one. I’ve just launched my program, Wake Up Before Another Breakup, where in just 8 weeks, you won’t question if you can trust yourself to date or why you can’t find the one. Click here to learn more about it and how you can work with me.
  • Dating Coach Ashley Kelsch On Taking 90-Day Break From Romance – Tribeza article
  • Crazy Stupid Love

Enjoy the Show?


Whoa. I announced last week that I’m going to take a minor detour from my usual well ness program and dating life. I’m taking 90 days of celibacy and zero engagement with men who are anything remotely more than friends. That’ right. You flirty guy friends. You out!

For some of you no sex or dating is nbd. But for most it’s whhaaaaa, we are embarking on summer. Summer is for loving. I was like, listen, even my winter stays wet. Seasons don’t matter over here! Another friend was like, you don’t want the life I have. Why would you do this on purpose? My friend said, did I miss something with this celibacy thing? I’m just angry not having sex. Someone else says this sounds like my marriage. BUT one friend who has done this work said it’s the best work he’s ever done on and for himself. He gave me some great advice that did make me want to take this really seriously.

I hear all of you. All of it. SO let me tell you, because this would actually challenge my brain. Not drinking for extended amounts of time doesn’t change me. Training for marathons, nope. Okay sure, they do but I’ve been doing a lot of that kind of work over the years but giving up orgasms and good times with the guys, never.

I mentioned in my Tribeza article that I did once vow to do a mens cleanse and after 6 days was like, Why. This is the most boring life ever. I think late night I even recorded some audio, like day 5. “I don’t even know what to do with myself. What is this life…? So you like, just don’t talk to the opposite sex? Then what?”
I’m not sure but if I can find it, I’m totally throwing that self under the bus.

One guy responded to the article on Facebook saying so you’ve decided to get off the cock carousel. How brave. Not as brave as you being a local relator posting this comment. I don’t consider it brave. However, I did decide to go all in on this comment. I had never considered that I had been on a cock carousel. Never even heard of it. But you know what. Yah, I have been. I’ve been riding that one horse- maybe it’s a unicorn in for quite some time. Not so difficult to get off the carousel really… but this particular ride on that ride. Not easy…

Joseph Campbell says, "You have to strive every minute to get rid of the life you have planned in order to have the life that is waiting to be yours.”

In order for us to evolve Renegades, we have to get uncomfortable. Brains don’t want to be uncomfortable. No. They want to find the easy way and chill. Be content. And I’m all for that for you, if you are into that. But for me, I need something to do. I want to create, co create and try new things.

I have no idea what could possibly come up for me but I can tell you this. You’re going to hear all about it. This might be more interesting than me talking about training for a marathon.

When I set a goal, I decide ahead of time why I want to do it. I gather as many compelling reasons why so when shit gets hard, I can tell my brain all the why’s. Because shit will get hard.

3 of the reasons I’m doing this are for my clients- if I can learn how to navigate changing my behaviors and patterns around my intimate relationships I can better guide each of them. The reality is also this; there is thousands of years of subliminal messaging and conditioning around what it means to be a woman, our roles in society - to get married and have children. Even when you are not actively interested and logically know you don’t want these things your brain still offers the thoughts. The messaging is reinforced all around you to be boo’ed up and make babies. Furthermore as the humans our species is designed for exactly this for the evolution of mankind.

Did you know that women’s sex drives increase in their 40’s? It’s our bodies way - it’s last-ditch effort to procreate. Our testosterone is increasing and we find ourselves, even if in marriages and love wanting to lust over and fuck what we can. We are chemically raging. I want to examine all this within myself and overcome my natural desire. See where my brain is maybe attached to some beliefs that I’m not aware of. You heard my episode Crazy Stupid Love last week Hopefully where I talked about what happens to us chemically when we fall into states of passion and romantic euphoria. Our brains, which are organs of aggression go a little mad. As a woman who can identify with being that way, I wonder where I’m operating from now. By removing the men and the orgasms, I will find out what is under the hood, so to speak. That is, if I don’t completely explode while abstaining.

Which leads to the 2nd reason I’m going to withhold for 90 days.

I’ve heard a lot of talk over the years about sexual transmutation and how much energy the emotion of sex packs. It brings you into the conscious states. It’s said in Think and Grow Rich that you can enrich the body mind and spirit, not suppress it, otherwise you will seek it through purely physical channels. I find this VERY intriguing.

I’m also really interested in the fact that they did scientific research on high achieving men - not women- and found that men of greatest achievement had highly develop sexual natures but learned the art of sex transmutation AND the ones who accumulated great fortunes and recognition in the arts, literature what have you were highly influenced by women. I often wonder if these muses negotiated royalties… maybe they were satisfied knowing they were the inspiration. anyway, it’s said that if you can harness this sexual energy and channel it to creative sources you could create on a genius level. I’m very interested in this.

I’ve decided that I’ll be the woman that we apply this research to. Questionable what my male muse interactions can be if I’m also taking a break from conversations that trigger my dopamine reactions. Regardless, the work I have in front of me right now in my business is at a pivotal point. I have a few ideas of where I want it to grow. Spending the next 90 days creating and organizing a strategy to execute from this peak frequency energy is my intention.

The 3rd reason I’ve decided to commit to this idea - and the most compelling is that my youngest child will be leaving the nest in August 21st and I don’t want anything or anyone distracting me be it good or bad. Wrapping my mind around the emotions and physical change that is unfolding requires my full attention to be in and process.

You’ve heard me talk about how we tend to lose ourselves to dating and romantic relationships -they take up a lot of headspace even when you are managing your thoughts and emotions. They require and deserve your attention. I’m choosing not to do that and instead give my entire focus to Faith.

I’ve thought about what might come up for me over the next 90 days -which is also part of my process when setting a goal or challenge for myself.

I look for all the compelling reasons why I want to do this and then I look for all the obstacles -externally or emotionally.

I’ve had a few come up, for example,

An observation one of my guy friends has filled me in on is that I’m not an easy person to date. I know this, they know it, my friends know it. While discussing it he said, the masculine dancing with you is a challenge. You’re not the white picket fence. You don’t know what you’re going to get each day and that is not going to be doable for just anyone.

And he’s right. I’m curious to see over the next 90 days how this will show up in abstaining from relationships.

Another obstacle is that I’ve had a lover that I would have defined as a companion but we didn’t structure our relationship or label it as a committed or one with a future.

Instead we naturally found ourselves spending time together while maintaining our own lives and sense of self. He’s incredibly supportive of my work, me wanting to be with my kids, spend time alone, spend time with friends- my independence.

But telling him that we can’t or won’t be talking for 90 days, which I thought was the only obstacle, actually brought up the fact that we both had 2 different ideas about what our relationship status was and where it was perceivably going.

What I thought had been clearly expressed and communicated was not, nor was I receiving the information he was delivering the way he meant.

Needless to say, we are treading the waters as I’ve already committed to this idea for 90 days.

Humans. We should practice OVER delivering. Over communicating. Over stating. Clear is kind.
I keep thinking about Ross and Rachel on friends -we were on a break!

Establishing the boundaries and communicating brings each of you clarity.
The truth sets you free.

The most obvious obstacle here is the mere fact that I’m already very aware of how much comfort, peace, trust and calm I find with him. We are emotionally, energetically very close.

We have bonded. The attachment hormones, oxytocin, vasopressin have settled into the system and there is a real chemical hook there.

This is what happens - also needs to happen for our human species to evolve- but is also our design to partner up. These hormones release and make us feel soothed and calm. Which is what we are craving.

It’s what overrides the primitive nature or animal in us. These hormones suppress the testosterone and dopamine - it actually ends up lowering the sex drive in men and keeps him faithful. Obviously, this is slightly more nuanced as we all know it’s not so black and white. According to Julie Holland md you can’t be romantically in love with more than one person at a time. I’ve been mulling this over for some time… she says you can lust after many, but only love one. There are neural mechanisms in place that prevent it.

Get this, the neural pathways associated with bonding and attachment are dependent on orgasm and its burst of oxytocin.

Now get this, testosterone makes us horny. Dopamine keeps us going after it. Oxytocin removes our walls of separation so we can connect with others meaning take our clothes off. It’s the chemical that creates trust between people. Even in passing. You can smile and trigger a release in someone else and the self. You can hug for 20 seconds and feel it. It’s uplifting yet relaxing.

When it comes to dating and sex there is a process that occurs in the brain- we go from lust to attraction to attachment.

Lust, which is defined as very strong sexual desire and is separate from attraction produces more testosterone and dopamine and very little oxytocin. Once the chase and sex have been had, the pursuit is over. You aren’t boding and attaching because of the lack of oxytocin and vasopressin being released through your system.

Unlike with attraction, this is the next step in chemical release and possibly within the relationship activity. It’s here where you find two people wanting more, feeling really good from the chemicals being dripped, adding to the buildup that leads to deeper connection. Oxytocin keeps you feeling connected to your lover. Romantic love.

Oxytocin relaxes us after orgasm leaving us wanting for not, but then it’s got you skin to skin doing that pillow talk which can stimulate you wanting to go again.

Oxytocin is like morphine. It can leave us feeling open and trusting. Add the person you are attracted to or interested in and you can’t get enough.

Recognizing this bond that has been formed is crucial to know. It informs me to be mindful of how I will miss him, our intimacy. That letting go might and will be emotionally difficult due to our connection. And to lean into these feelings and yes, possible withdrawals from the chemicals.

Since I’ve added celibacy to the challenge, I won’t be able to masturbate or cum.
Which poses an obstacle in regards to my personal lifestyle wellbeing choices in how to feel better and stay turned on.

I have several practices that I treat as rituals and one of them is masturbation. I do this because yah, double yum fun, and because it’s like a natural anti-depressant. It releases the real chemicals required to keep your body naturally feeling high. The oxytocin and vasopressin the beta endorphins, the norepinephrine, these chemicals keep your body in a feel-good state that, if you don’t have them being released naturally, you will find yourself reaching for alcohol, sugar or anti-depressants.

So how do I solve for this obstacle?

The Rhythm of Love, Renegades. They have found that, to release oxytocin and vasopressin you just need to start stroking yourselves at the pace of 40 strokes a minute. Good news. You don’t need to be mindful of counting. It’s the instinctive pace to the average human. While researching milk let down scientists found that it was around 40 suckles a minute. Mothers stroke their babies’ arms or heads at 40 strokes per minute. We pet our animals at, up 40 strokes. The uterus contracts at orgasm 40 x a minute. 40 stokes a minute is defined as the rhythm of love. At this rate, we coax our body into releasing oxytocin. If you watch my Instagram stories, I’m sure we will see me mindless stroking my face and arm just to keep myself regulated.

I’ll also focus on movement to keep my nitric oxide sending out growth hormones. Manage my mind to create all the feels I can, while celebrating this beautiful choice I’m making to personally evolve and grow. And I’m going to be incredibly intentional about channeling this energy into my work and creating something at genius level.

I’m going to think about my clients and remember I’m also doing this for them. I’ll be an example of what is possible.

I want to offer that each of you takes a minute to inquire and examine your physical and emotional engagement with the gender that turns you on sexually. Are you all consumed? Is it a take it or leave it? Does it feel healthy and balanced? Is it just about sex? Are you in the lust or attraction stages? Do you know? Would you prefer it was attached and locked down? Why or why not?

Alright, Renegades. Until next week. Love you

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