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Ep #66

A New Idea

When it comes to dating, most women I know never ask for what they want, but they expect this uncommunicated desire to be met by their prospective partner. These expectations disconnect us from the other person, Renegades; they turn us off.

We collectively believe that we should meet our one and that they should meet our needs. But not only is it unrealistic and unfair to impose our expectations on others, it takes a ton of energy to try to get someone else to satisfy what we can satisfy on our own.

Join me this week as I share why your needs and expectations have very little to do with the other person and everything to do with yourself. I’m proposing a new idea to consider when it comes to dating and encouraging you to be bold enough to ask for what you want.

What You Will Discover:

  • Why you must communicate your needs.
  • How all of our feelings come from our thoughts.
  • Some journal prompts to help you with your dating life.
  • Why we need to stop trying to get our needs met by other people.
  • How to drop your expectations and enjoy the ride.

Resources Mentioned:

  • If you’re enjoying the tools and concepts I’m sharing each week about your brain on dating, you won’t want to miss out on working with me one-on-one. I’ve just launched my program, Wake Up Before Another Breakup, where in just 8 weeks, you won’t question if you can trust yourself to date or why you can’t find the one. Click here to learn more about it and how you can work with me.

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What if you dated someone not because of all the things you think they do or have- how they look- you know their money, job, social status, house or car not for any of that but instead you date them because you enjoy them.

Can you imagine.

We spend so much time and energy trying to make someone do and be all the things that will make us feel more comfortable. And you know what? It’s very often nonconsensual. Meaning you aren’t sharing any of this with them.

You need a man to make money so you can feel security. So he can take care of things.

You want them to have all their shit figured out, to be responsible. She needs to dress sexy when you’re out…

What’s interesting is that you operate from this place and you low key prod for the information, but you never think to directly ask them about these qualities or tell them specifically, I need you to be fit, have money and be a quote unquote adult so I can be attracted to you.

This is how most of the people in my generation have been taught to date. We collectively believe that we should find our one and they should meet our needs.

I’m no stranger to the behavior, my friends. After 20 plus years of dating subconsciously and doing all the things that society, family and media told me to I need to be and have them be, I have found that shit doesn’t work. Shocker.

The demand and pressure I’ve put on men to work a certain way, make a certain amount income, fuck me so I cum 12 x a week, help with the babies, run with me, stay fit, don’t drink too much but maybe just a little, dress like this - the list is never ending… it’s no wonder they stayed as long as they did.

Not only is it unrealistic and unfair but it’s a ton of energy being spent trying to get someone else to satisfy what we can on our own.

Ladies we aren’t strangers to pressure either… look a certain way, act a certain way, make dinner have babies give me a blow job and everyone will want to marry you.

This is culturally supported. These gender norms and roles. The expectations of what the other should do and be if you’re going to be together.

How many of you sit down for a date and tell them you are really only going to want to work part time if that and you’re expecting them to cover the house the car and the insurance.

That you expect them to be ambitious in pursuing a career or climbing the corporate ladder.

This reminds me of a friend of mine who was telling me about a girl he met one day and for context he’s 50. I believe she was in her mid to late 20’s.

They walked with their dogs, had a drink and exchanged phone numbers at the end. I feel it worth mentioning they met in a park, he approached her - no dating apps. Just some good ol’ hey how are you wanna talk old school shit.

Afterwards she sends him a text that says something like, I think we both know this isn’t going anywhere but we are attracted to one another. What if I took care of you and you took care of me?

He was like, umm you mean sexually? Of course I’d take care you in there. He’s all about equality :)

See replies, of course that would happen but what I mean is I’ll take care of you in the bedroom, and you can take care of some of my bills.

He was like, have you heard of this sugar daddy thing??! That’s what she’s looking for! And she thinks I’m old enough!

When I first heard this story I thought, wow. That’s a fucking bold statement. Literally and figuratively. I was kind of shocked. You know thoughts like young girls these days… the nerve…

But then 24 hours later, because I was still amused by and thinking about it and I came to a different conclusion. respect. Seriously. This girl straight up asked for what she wanted. An exchange. Most women will never fucking ask but it’s 100% what you’re expecting.

When you put it all out on the table both parties can make an informed and educated decision on what is best for them.

You know what you’re getting into. But no one is doing that. They are dating and fucking hoping to get all sorts of needs and expectations met without communicating any of them.

And you’re so disappointed when a. You can’t believe they weren’t able to read your mind and/or b. You still aren’t satisfied even when they do have or meet some need.

The truth is, your needs and expectations have very little to do with the other person.

It’s your insatiable attention and need tanks and they can’t be filled by someone else.

Renegades. Women are over earning men. Women can have babies without men. Live on their own. The dynamics have fully shifted.

We are no longer forming relationships the way our parents and grandparents did. We are living in a different era.

The new currency is finding a partner who you can trust. Who is present with you. Who sees you. And who can fuck you or make love to you in a way that has you thinking you met god.

I know a lot of you might be arguing with me about this right now… if I’m looking for a husband then I need to know if he can _______ fill in the blank. If I’m going to spend my time with someone they need to ________ for me. That’s what relationships are about.

Yes and no. When you decide to cohabitate, have kids etc. yes, you will hopefully talk about and distribute the responsibilities accordingly etc. etc. etc. But I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about all the things you think this person needs to be for you to love them.

I’m asking that you drop all that and just let them be them. Enjoy them for who they are. This gesture especially early on when you think you are just trying to get to know them but you’re actually investigating their every move so you can size them up to perfect partner paper doll clip art thing you’re making is preventing you from getting to know them.

Think about the kinds of questions you ask your person on a date. I’ve heard from some people they have a set of questions that they ask each time. It’s like a job interview- you’re trying to determine all the things.

I was talking to my client about someone she had just started dating and she said I’m not sure I can be attracted to him because he doesn’t seem to have a lot of passion to make money.

I asked my client, does money get your pussy wet? Is that a high value or turn on for you?

She said No. Money makes me feel secure. I asked her how she could feel more secure if someone else had money. I wouldn’t have to worry. Worry about what? If he could take care of things financially. Why do you need him to take care of things financially? Because I don’t know if I can.

That’s why you don’t feel secure. Because you don’t believe you can take care of yourself. You doubt your ability. But instead of tending to this and discovering the ways you are secure and do take care of yourself you are looking to others to be responsible for you. Which later leaves you feeling like you can’t leave the relationship because you are financially dependent on this person and don’t feel secure enough to be independent and take care of yourself.

This is so good to see, right? And to know. The things we desire and want from others can often be self-fulfilled. And Let’s not forget, our feelings come from our thoughts - so you’d have to be thinking thoughts about the money that cause you to feel this way but also, how is someone else’s money going to give you security? Is there money ours? Have you let this person know that this is what you are thinking - about their money and passion? That for you to be turned on they need to have these things?

And while you’re trying to discover how much money they have and how passionate they feel about work have what are you doing?

I’m not saying these things can’t be important or values to you, but I am saying that none of it will really matter once you get to know them.

When we are spending our time and energy focused on figuring out what this other has or doesn’t have our brain will hone in and only look for data to find that its right. You want to believe you can’t get turned on because he might not make a lot of money? Your brain will prove you right. It will find all the answers- your brain doesn’t care how bad it feels, it just wants to be right. And the reason the sucks is because you aren’t present with this person getting to know them. You aren’t connecting. You’re too busy looking for clues and tips about this money situation.

You could use all that energy to create a business and make your own money. Have you thought about that? It’s true.

I know some of you are thinking I’m crazy, but she needs to do this if we have kids, and he needs to this if he’s my husband. No they don’t. They don’t need to do anything for you to just love them and enjoy being loved by them. If your partner lost their job and income would you no longer love them? If you partner never took the trash out again would you want a divorce? No. But you would argue every fucking day about it instead of just taking out the trash.

Renegades. THIS is your life experience. How do you want it to flow?

These expectations disconnect us from the other person. They turn us off. You become resentful. Annoyed. And the person on the receiving end is likely going to react in a way that turns your relationship into a bickering nagging fight fest.

Talk about an unsexy time too. No wants to have sex with someone who wants us to be someone we aren’t.

I want to invite you to consider letting all that shit go and just enjoy their company. I think you’ll also find that you don’t have so much resistance up either.

YOU can just be and let them be and in doing so you the nature of the other person will reveal itself.

Consider that it is only a matter of time before you discover all the things about the person you are dating. We can only wear our masks for so long.

You’re looking at 6 -18 months. You know, when the honeymoon period is over. Part of this is because all the juicy feel-good chemicals you are both experiencing in the beginning, when you are falling in love start to wear off AND you start to slip back into auto pilot.

Your brain shifts from consciousness to subconsciousness.

All of that is to say, you don’t need to try and figure someone out; they will show you soon enough.

The question is can you just be? Can you let this person show you who they are and stop trying to figure them out?

Can you enjoy them telling you a story and not trying to figure out what it means?
Can you enjoy them in the bedroom and not worry if they are going to be good or bad?

Can you enjoy texting and not make the time in between mean anything about them?

Can you enjoy them for not wanting to climb a corporate ladder?
Can you enjoy them if they have a junk drawer?

All of this is noise distracting you from getting to know them!
What would your dating life be like if you just enjoyed them especially if it doesn’t work out? What a relief you didn’t just spend the last 6 months acting like a CSI crime scene investigator.

No. Renegades we want more time thinking about and obsessing over other things; Like the things you enjoy and that make you feel good. And we all know what kind of good I’m talking about. The good that gets you turned on. So turned on that you could give zero fucks if you never hear from the guy last night because your life is bigger than one date.

Y’all. Life is too short not to enjoy all the things and when we are obsessing about this person and whether or not they’ll be in our lives or how they’re going to be in our lives we miss out. We want to do and create cool shit while were here. Relationships, art, dance, orgasms, food, travel. Learn how to enjoy it all and drop your expectations.

So what do we do Renegades? How do we shift? We Inquire Seek and Reveal.
Get your pens out. Here are some journal prompts to get your brain moving and grooving…

What are the things I want from my partner?

What is it I’m trying to get to know when I’m talking to my date?
What am I hoping to find out?

What’s a deal breaker for me when dating? Why?

Are there things I want my partner to do that I can do or provide for myself?

Is there resistance there? Why or why not?

Do you believe that your person ‘should’ be and do certain things? Where did this belief come from? Who taught you how relationships work?

I’m telling you Renegades.

The process of dating and enjoying someone is so freeing. It doesn’t guaranty you’ll be together forever, but it informs you about who you are spending time with so much faster. And it feels so much better.

Try it out this week and le

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