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Boundaries Part Deux B.I.G.

Ep #35

Boundaries Part Deux B.I.G.

Last week, I shared why setting boundaries is so important and why doing so is actually an act of self-love. This week in Part Deux, I’m diving deeper into why we need to set boundaries in dating and in our relationships with others. One thing I hear from so many of you is that you don’t want to set a boundary and hurt someone’s feelings. But what about your feelings?

What if you stopped worrying so much about how others felt and more about how you felt? When we shift the focus onto ourselves, we shift the responsibility. And when you start prioritizing treating yourself with love, you stop tolerating others treating you without it. I’m telling you, renegades, there is a dating world that exists where you can stay connected to the present without putting yourself second.

In today’s episode, I’m shining some light on why our brains interpret boundary setting as scary and what happens in your dating life and relationships when you set them. It is possible to date without disconnecting from yourself and your needs. What would happen is you started practicing saying “no” and questioning why you’re not getting the results you want? Amazing things. And it all starts with setting boundaries and loving yourself first.

So go big or go home, renegades. Boundaries, integrity, and generosity.

What You Will Discover:

  • Why it’s easier to have external problems than internal ones.
  • How a lack of boundaries leads to people-pleasing behavior.
  • Why you need to embrace the failure that comes with boundary setting.
  • Why so many people date like their lives depend on it.
  • How to date without putting yourself second.
  • Why practicing integrity is all about the long game.

Resources Mentioned:

Enjoy the Show?

Renegades. How are you doing? In this moment, right now where you are. Are you good? I mean, it's just you and me. We're good right?

I've just returned from a really great trip with my family- I journaled a bit a bout it on my blog, but let me just say for the record- incase any of them listen, it was the best family trip we've been on. Not because of the places or activities. On the contrary. It was their attitudes. All of ours. We hit a flow state and stayed in it for the entire trip. Teenagers, dogs, my ex boyfriend- long hours on the road. It could have been a recipe for disaster but instead it was perfect. Obviously I contribute it to my coaching brain. My evolved state of being a Renegade. Everything that is anything good is because I'm a life coach and I'm managing my mind around it.
My kids
Boundaries part deux.

I received all the messages asking me if I was talking about you during my Don't Be cool. Set Boundaries Episode last week. You said you thought I was in your head. My client, who I was referring to asked me what other people said or thought and I was like, everyone thought I was talking about them. Isn't that great. No one has boundaries. You're not alone my sweet baby Seals!

Listen, We are wired to bond with and need people. Attachment and relationships are nutrients to the soul. This is what separates you from the lizards. From eating your young. It's a beautiful thing. Your brain interprets boundary setting as scary because you could lose people in your life by doing so. And your brain, with all its tribal wiring has you convinced that the others are more important than you and your needs.

We are raised and conditioned to please. To not hurt anyones feelings.

You asked me, how do I distance myself cooly so I don't seem bitchy and crazy?
You told me, I sent him a text wishing him the best so he doesn't feel bad about what happened and I'm hoping he does't reply.
I wish he would just stop calling. It's annoying.

Why does distancing yourself mean you're a bitch or crazy?
Have you thought about sending yourself a text that wishes you well?
What about telling them to stop calling?

You ALL acknowledged how frustrated you get with yourself- how embarrassing it is:
What's wrong with me? Why do I do it? Ugh, I need validation. It's like I enjoy the drama…

You can't say no to self. You feel like you're your own worst enemy. You want to stop looking at your phone to see if they texted back yet. You want to stop hooking up with your ex. You want to not know everywhere they've been in the last 12 hours and with who.

I'm so glad y'all shared what you did; because shame would love you to keep it like a secret and let it fester in the dark. Come into the light Renegades. This is your brain on dating.

I did get a text from a friend who said, "I'm proud of myself for turning down a couple of exes - no need to retrace or re engage. I'm not sure if that qualifies as Renegade behavior but it feels good once that particular urge passes."

I was like, based on the good feels. yes! They acknowledged in the convo that they are the one who left the relationship and feel that its a disservice to the other person.

I wept a single tear of pride that day. Renegades. We are doing the damn thing.

So let's go deeper. Last week we went through the Inquire. Seek Reveal process and examined who you are when dating? How you feel. What you do.

It's easier to have an external problem than having to deal with our internal problems. When we switch the focus from other people to ourselves we shift responsibility. We have to take responsibility for ourselves. Our feelings. Our behaviors.

What if you stopped worrying about how they are feeling and started thinking about how you feel?

Do you see the irony here? That you are more worried about offending or insulting the other person but you are not giving yourself the same treatment. Not even close. this people pleasing behavior is from a lack of boundaries.

It reminded me of the Brene Brown / Russell Brand interview from last year. She talks about the one thing people with compassion have in common- they have boundaries of steel. Seems counterintuitive no? Brene's team repeatedly heard " I'm compassionate because I do not subject myself to the abuse of other people "
From here, they developed BIG- What boundaries need to be in place so I can be in Integrity and generous toward you. When we are in integrity - know our priotirtes and values we don't let people harm us. THEN we don't become resentful or clouded in our thinking about others- we can be in state of mind that is generous towards others. WE don't take things personally and know that everyone is doing the best they can.

SO how do we stop going unconscious and disconnecting from ourselves when dating?

I've been reading Henry Clouds books on boundaries and he says we are own worst enemy. It means admitting we are in fact sleeping with the enemy. WE ARE THE ENEMY. The voices are coming from inside the house.

Take a look at your life- what result are you getting in life from not saying no? Are you experiencing resentment depression, over drinking, stress anger isolation - These are the symptoms, Renegades. What is coming up and where? This is the area that needs your attention. Needs you to set limits.

Lets map our way there;

What do you need? H Cloud says this is the real issue and it will keep reoccurring. That we have to embrace the failure that comes with learning to set our boundaries. It's how we mature.
What are the symptoms? Are you in resentment? Are you depressed? Over drinking or over thinking?

What the roots? Where did this behavior start?
What is the boundary conflict? Are you people pleasing?
What do you need? Accountability? Journal -therapy?
How do you begin?
How do you set boundaries with others?
Whats next? This is an imperfect process, Renegades. Like learning to walk, you will fall down. You just get back up. Look at why you fell, learn from it then let it the fuck go. You don't need to make it mean you're broken. Over time you will evolve and mature. But time takes time.

Your brain will want to rebel. We have a difficult time controlling our impulses and Determination won't do it alone- When I'm setting new boundaries I feel like I'm dealing with my 16 year old self… she's like, what's the big deal? She wants to rebel.
Discipline is the art of self control
We need to have patience and compassion for ourselves when we are learning about ourselves and where we need boundaries.

Another list of questions that are more direct that I use go like this:
What is a negative result you currently have in your life?
What actin leads to this result
What feelings cause this action?
What thoughts cause this feeling?
What is the opposite of this current thought?
What result would the opposite thought create?
What is the result you want to have?
What is the though you can think and. Believe to achieve this result?

When you starting treating yourself with love, you won't tolerate others not. When you have boundaries that are comprised of caring for your head n heart, for YOU first, you will protect yourself from intruders invasion and encroachment

I was riding my bike on the trail today thinking about boundaries - we are so worried about hurting other peoples feelings… or at least that is a common complaint. When I say no, I feel bad. and I had this epiphany. When I'm on my bike or running, I have ZERO problem calling out left - behind you etc. I get the occasional dirty look or comment and you know what y'all? I never take it personal. Ever. You know why? Because half y'all out on the roads aren't paying attention. Not just the drivers but people on bikes and running. You're zoned out. The way I see it, I'm looking out for both of us by letting you know I'm coming. I'm protecting myself and you. It's for the safety of everyone around us. And guess what? I don't make it mean anything. There is no drama. IT"S NO DIFFERENT WHEN DATING.

I said it last week; when you know your priorities and values and have boundaries around them and yourself, you can date responsibly and with freedom. I feel the same way on my bike or running. I have no problem telling you I'm about to pass you- as a matter of fact - I feel it's my responsibility to do just that.

The question becomes, can you apply this level of responsibility and safety when dating? Can you lay out your boundaries and protect yourself first? Renegades. It's freedom. Without a doubt.

I'm going to go so far as to say most of you don't even know your dating like your life depended on it. Or that you are putting it before everything else. Treating it like a career. You think its normal- and why wouldn't you. You have been force fed a narrative that getting married, finding the one and falling in love is what you're suppose to do. I'm convinced this is why we completely lose ourselves in the process- we aren't doing in on purpose- we aren't conscious of it- not in the least. You are operating from the social self rather than your essential self.

What if I told you that not everyone spends their days texting with persons of interest- that not everyone spends hours fantasizing about finding the one? That not everyone shows up to meetings or work while carrying on a conversation with someone on their phone all day long. It would appear that the entire world is doing this, but I can assure you, they are not. That their mood or tone of their day isn't dependent on someone else sending them a message.

There is a dating world that exists, where people can show interest, communicate get to know another human and still stay present to their life, keep and open mind and heart and not lose sight of what's most important to them? Not put themselves second.

I want to challenge ya'll with an Integrity cleanse. Martha Beck, who is the godmother of life coaching; as a matter of fact, she is considered the first LIFE COACH- she was Oprahs life coach. Anyway, before she got into life coaching she found herself battling an autoimmune disease and her body was breaking down. … she was dying. When she evaluated her life and what was going on she realized she was really unhappy and that she was living for everyone else- and it was literally killing her. So decided to do an integrity cleanse. She set her watch to go off every 30 minutes. This way, she would be reminded all day to be honest with herself and those around her. Y'all. She was on the phone with her sister who invited her family up for the holidays and she said yes. The alarm went off and she said no. no I don't want to do that. And got into the practice of only doing what she wanted for her. She lost family members. friends. Her job… but she got her health back and it's what sent her into a career of life coaching.
Practicing integrity is all about the long game. It's learning to say no to what feels good now so you can feel good later. Being in integrity with you will create a relationship of trust and love.

Practice using the word no this week. It might be one of the most important words in the human language and the least likely used. Most underrated. Notice when you say yes and wished you had said no.
Remember, it's never to late to change a yes to no either. GO BIG or go home Renegades. Boundaries. Integrity. Generosity.

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