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Modern Renegades with Ashley Kelsch | Dating on Autopilot

Ep #71

Dating on Autopilot

Let me ask you, Renegades, what do you want from a relationship? Do you even know? Some people aren’t willing to admit that they don’t know. Or rather, they do know, but they don’t want to say it.

Dating is an exercise in emotional and mental management. When you don’t communicate what you want, it leads to a whole host of issues. You are a human, an emotional creature that is designed to connect. It’s time to stop dating on autopilot and start communicating your intentions.

Join me this week as I share how your actions of playing it cool might actually be gameplaying and how to start being honest about what you want. Life is going to happen regardless, yet we can still decide how we want to navigate it. Learn how to stop playing it cool and start taking responsibility for your emotions.

What You Will Discover:

  • How to get the clarity you want in relationships.
  • Why telling the truth will set you free.
  • How to take agency over your love life.
  • Why we aren’t honest about what we want.
  • How to start communicating more effectively.
  • Why the truth doesn’t have to hurt.

Resources Mentioned:

  • If you’re enjoying the tools and concepts I’m sharing each week about your brain on dating, you won’t want to miss out on working with me one-on-one. I’ve just launched my program, Wake Up Before Another Breakup, where in just 8 weeks, you won’t question if you can trust yourself to date or why you can’t find the one. Click here to learn more about it and how you can work with me.
  • Dating While Newly Single Is About Finding Yourself, Not Someone Else my article for Tribeza

Enjoy the Show?

I was listening to my client recently tell me about an experience where she was dating and then decided to tell the guy who, who I’ve been hearing things about like, he checks all the boxes, if he was interested in just dating me, I’d do that and even though I’m seeing other people he’s definitely the one I’m most interested in.

I listened in disbelief as she told me about a conversation she had with him where she told him I’m not trying to just date you; I’m seeing other people and don’t want anything serious with anyone right now. I just want to have fun.

I just want to have fun.

I couldn’t believe what she was telling me and I asked her why she said that and of course she said, well I listened to your podcast and you said to slow the roll.

Really get to know someone first. And I said, I understand what I said on my podcast however, you my friend are not doing that.

But my client insisted this was what she wanted. She didn’t want a relationship with him. That she feels so much better now that she said that to him.

That was until this week. Despite having other dates lined up, this guy is the only guy she wants to hear from and have ask her out but guess what he’s doing Renegades?
He’s not really asking her out.

And she can’t understand why. Why doesn’t he want to spend time with me she asked. All I wanted was for him to ask me out this weekend and he didn’t. And she spent the weekend super fucking bummed.

Not unlike my other who was telling me about her dating life and how in the first 2 months she plays it super cool but then after finds herself wanting to attach and crumbling. I asked her what playing it ‘cool’ meant- and in her words she said I respond when I want. Sometimes not at all and then they text more. I feel like I have the upper hand. I’m in control.

So you show little interest and they what? They desire me…they want more.

So what happens in between playing it cool to crumbling? I’m not hearing from them and then I feel like I’m chasing them. The tables turn.

If you tell someone you are seeing other guys, I think we might question if we get to be sad when that guy isn’t calling us non-stop. When you act uninterested are you really surprised that the other person loses interest and stops calling you? Put yourself in their experience. How would you respond to you?

You know when it’s great time to act uninterested? When you aren’t. And you actually use the words, “I’m not into this” and Then they’ll leave you alone. When you are truly not interested you give such little fuck that person catches on pretty quick and dips.

But some of you think this is how you should date. If they think I’m uninterested they’ll come after me.

You think they’ll fight for you when you tell them you don’t want more. That this is dating and love. And romance.

No renegades. This is game playing. The thing you say you don’t want to do or have done to you. And the reason it’s really fucked up is because you don’t want to do this. You want them to want you. You want them to choose you. You are tired of not being the one.

Just be honest for a moment and stop lying to yourself. You want a relationship. You don’t want to date. You long for companionship and intimacy. You actually don’t like wondering what the fuck is happening with each guy. It’s not exciting. Your anxious about it. It’s not fun for you.

You feel crazy trying to be cool.

And you should. You are human. An emotional creature who is designed to connect. Keeping it casual or dating multiple people requires massive emotional management. Compartmentalizing. Can it be done? Absolutely. But most of you who tune in to listen to me aren’t truly interested in that. You are dating like your life depends on it because you desperately want to be booed up knowing this person is going to be there for when you wake up, when you want to make dinner plans and on the weekends.

I know it because I’ve been there.

This is especially true for all you out there coming out of long-term relationships. You can’t stop thinking about how great your single life is going to be. That freedom, you practically taste it. You fantasize about being able to be on your phone at all hours with whoever, you think about all the people that you’ve been a little attracted to over the years that you can finally connect with. And if you are like me, you can’t imagine all these people falling head over heels for you. I was convinced that I would have to let all these people down- boy was I mistaken. About all of it. Dating is an exercise in emotional and mental management. You can’t get excited about every guy that asks you out. You can’t make the song he sends means you are the one. You are someone. One of many. You find yourself wishing you were in a relationship not dealing with the Peter Pan syndrome. For those of you experiencing this, check out my article in Tribeza

I think dating is absolutely necessary and can be a fulfilling experience where you will learn more about yourself than the other person, but you have to be honest about what it is you are doing and then do that. If you are looking to have fun and fuck around, do that. Honor your plan. And maybe, oh I don’t know, consider telling them your intentions. Keep everyone on the up and up. No one’s confused trying to figure out where this is going, what they are doing.

Some of my most intimate deep relationships have been with men who mutually communicated with me what our intentions were. We verbalized what the relationship was from the beginning- for example one man and I agreed that we wouldn’t be available for anything more than sex but agreed that when we spent time together it would be just us. We wouldn’t talk to or flirt with others while out etc. We developed one the deepest bonds of trust and respect and spent years spending time like this off and on and in between relationships. We both knew what it was and what it wasn’t going to be. My brain never fucking ever went anywhere else and I was able to connect emotionally with him and myself during our time together in ways I hadn’t with my boyfriends in the past.

In these situations, there is a chance one of you might catch feelings or someone might feel hurt seeing them with someone but you know what you do? You continue to communicate.

Which I believe is the absolute must for any relationship to function. Communicate your needs, boundaries, make an agreement. Take responsibility for your emotions. You are both consenting adults who are navigating being in relation with one another. Talk about what it is you want to do together.

Why are you going into something with someone not saying what you want? What your intentions are?

Because most people don’t know what they want or are afraid of not getting what they want. So you let someone else lead. And this person has no idea what you want - they are operating from what they want. And no one wants to talk about it. Think about this, y’all. This is your love life that you are just throwing around. Why are you taking agency here?

For example, on your dating apps- if you are looking for kids and marriage why the hell wouldn’t you put that down? Separate the room. Don’t date the guy who doesn’t want what you want. But no, instead you are like, you know. I’m just not sure - and I just met this guy who is really nice and does things and doesn’t want any of that cause he already did so I don’t know… maybe I’ll just see where this goes. Cause it’s not often we meet nice guys. We are so worried that we might scare off the first guy we think is nice so we don’t say what we want. And we don’t ask what they want.

Instead, we sit around waiting for the other person to ask or inform us on what we are doing because we think if we ask, we’re being too aggressive, we aren’t letting the masculine lead and it will turn him off, aka we might get rejected.

And I want to push back on this. You simply cannot get the clarity you are looking for sitting on the sidelines asking questions that you don’t have the answers to.

Which leads me to this? Do you know what you want? Yes or no? Why do you want it?

What are you willing to do to get it?

Decide if you want to find someone and then stop acting like that’s not what you are doing.

Stop trying to be cool.

It’s not you and you end up paying for it in the long run. Risk hearing no, I’m not into that vs spending months trying to figure out what it is you are doing in the relationship.

It’s like driving with the breaks on, Renegades.

It’s a waste of your time and energy. You can be told no, feel rejection and move on. You can listen to someone want something else and not cling on and try to change them.

The truth doesn’t have to hurt. It hurts because you are making it mean something about you but if you can choose to make it about them - let their truth be theirs, you can find ways to support both of you and the relationship if you decide to.

The feelings of let down and rejection can be there, I’m not suggesting that it’s not painful to want something that the other person doesn’t but you can feel those emotions and not make it mean something is wrong with you.

So many of you are dating on auto pilot. Or like passengers on a plane. Over and over- to myself, clients and friends I’m finding myself saying I don’t want to be the passenger on the plane. I want to fly the fucking plane. I understand that life is going to happen but I’m also going to decide how I want my life to be and engage with it. Give it some direction. Make choices. Especially in my dating love life.

We are going to talk about it and then I’ll decide if I’m taking passengers, looking for a copilot or not. There are no free flights, Renegades. Meaning let’s talk about what we are doing. And if we are looking for a copilot, he needs to know what he is doing. You need to know if he can fly the plane with you. This is your life. Doesn’t it seem a little dangerous to just let anyone fly a plane with you?

I want people who want to engage in flying the plane with me. I want to know what it is we are doing. This doesn’t have to mean forever but tell me what are your intentions. Why do you want to spend time with me? What are we doing in relationship? You just want to have a good time and fuck? Good to know. Is that aligned with what I want? What do you want in your future for you? Are you taking charge of your life or letting it happen to you? Do I want to be part of that?

A lot of people want to be passengers in their lives… I see it all the time. They are along for the ride. They let life happen to them. I’m here because this happened. I’ll think about that when and if this changes… Not a bad seat if you don’t want to take responsibility for your actions or feel the deep feelings that come with engaging in this life and the people in it.

I understand circumstances are out of our control, but that is actually the point. Life is going to happen however it happens and we can still decide how we want to live our lives. We don’t have to worry if there will be the one. Or if we’ll ever find the perfect partner because we can operate now from a place of being that way.

Renegades, figure out what it is you want. I don’t think most of you actually enjoy dating a lot of people. I know I don’t. What I enjoy is getting to someone as intimately as possible. I want to go as deep as I can until we decide we’ve completed the relationship. I don’t enjoy talking to a bunch of people playing my greatest hits and repeating the same script. I guess even as I’m talking about this, I’m saying that I get to go deeper with me. And isn’t that the point? It’s your experience - your evolution. Some of you will want to stay surface. Love that for you. Meanwhile, that is not the truth for most of you tuning in. Be honest with yourself. Tell yourself the truth and set yourself free.

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