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Modern Renegades with Ashley Kelsch | Frequently Asked Questions

Ep #81

Frequently Asked Questions

For a very long time, people have been emailing, calling, and texting me asking things like where they should go on a first date, what lube they should use with their partner, what toy would be best in the bedroom, how they should communicate their sexual desires, and more.

I receive so many questions from people – whether it’s friends, clients, friends of friends, that I thought it would be a great idea to address some on the podcast this week. You’re curious, I get it. So I’ll give you what you want.

In this episode, I’m sharing some of the questions I’m frequently asked including insight into the dynamics of my relationship with my ex, as well as what it takes to maintain a relationship, friendship, or partnership. I’m sharing the topic I get asked most about in my life and you’ll hear all about an exciting new adventure I’m embarking on.

What You Will Discover:

  • The most questioned topic I get in my life.
  • How to let people think whatever they want about you.
  • My opinion on what to call our private parts.
  • Why your desire to be right might be hurting you in a relationship.
  • How to explore your feelings through journaling.
  • Why it’s not your job to get everybody to accept your decisions in life.

Resources Mentioned:

  • House of Other
  • My Column in Tribeza
  • If you’re enjoying the tools and concepts I’m sharing each week about your brain on dating, you won’t want to miss out on working with me one-on-one. I’ve just launched my program, Wake Up Before Another Breakup, where in just 8 weeks, you won’t question if you can trust yourself to date or why you can’t find the one. Click here to learn more about it and how you can work with me.

Enjoy the Show?

This is Ashley Kelsch and you are listening to Life Coaching for Modern Renegades, episode number 81.
Welcome to Modern Renegades podcast. This is a life coaching podcast for the person who wants to learn how to lose themselves in the moment, not life circumstances. Each week we will explore mental and spiritual practices that will inspire you to ask, seek, and heal. They are for the modern renegade. They are for you.
Renegades,
How has your week been? How are you? I hope you are as turned on by life as I am right now. I’m having so much fun this summer with my family, work, friends and yes, my lover. Aaaannnnd I’ve been working on living an erotic life - like literally building a business to tie into with modern renegades called House of Other and I’m wetting my pants. It will be live soon HouseofOther.blog

Your unedited guide to pleasure. I’m going to be rating products, places and experiences based on how orgasmic they are. There will be conversations, reviews and opinions on all things cliteracy.

I’m going to talk about where to go for a sexy getaway with your lover. If a toy is good for partner play or better for solo. The hot spot for a date night. What to cook that might turn you on…

For 15 years People have been emailing calling and texting me to ask where they should go on a date with a new lover, what lube they should use now that menopause is kicking in, what toy would be best to introduce to their partner, how should they ask their lover about, how did you use that toy, I’m thinking of a threesome, what hotel do you recommend. I’m not making any of this up.

And I love it. I love that people know they can come to me and ask anything. I also love that I take finding pleasure seriously. I’ve added several new toys and lubes to my drawer and I taking notes Renegaedes.

Anyway, just a teaser because I can’t hardly stand it. Speaking of questions being asked I wanted to do an episode where I share some recent q’s I’ve received but first I’ll tell you where I am and what I’m doing because it’s going to lead into the topic I personally field the most questions on.

So I’m in NY with my family at the moment running around getting acclimated to the city and neighborhoods that my child will be living in. It was funny, when I was booking this trip my ex boyfriend/co parent was like, I don’t understand why we are visiting ny this month. We are literally coming back next month for a week to move faith into their building; I kept saying we need to find Faiths places and spots when they aren’t distracted or consumed by the excitement and nervousness of moving into their dorm and first week of college. And he kept asking this question until finally I was like fine. I need to acclimate and know where they will be living and where their cvs is and what coffee shop is closest. It’s for me. Not them. Not you. That answer must have been the one because it has not come up again. And while were on the topic of me traveling with my ex lets dive into todays episode- which is all about the questions I get asked by friends, clients, in random conversations and the like. A little FAQ if you will…

What is the most questioned topic? My relationship with my ex. People are endlessly fascinated by our partnership. And listen, I actually enjoy letting people think what ever they want. Especially the crazy judgmental shit. I find it endlessly entertaining to hear the different perspectives that people have of me and my life- about who I am and what I’m like.
I’ve adopted David Sedaris’s practice when it comes to people making assumptions about me; I don’t deny them. I let them think whatever they want. It’s incredibly entertaining first of all but also, it has nothing to do with me.

That said, I’m not going to answer your questions about my relationship because I want to ease your judgements, but instead I want to address it because there are a lot of you who are curious about our relationship and its dynamics.

Based on most arrangements you think you know about- and I want to stress think you know- ours is a bit unorthodox. My ex and I have chosen to partner in life, co-parent my kids but remain friends. We are not at all romantically involved.

When he and I ended our romantic relationship years and years ago, he and my children made the decision to stay in one another lives. And I didn’t dispute it. My children don’t have a father who is with us and my ex doesn’t have children of his own. They fill a space in one another’s hearts that I simply cannot deny them of. We share puppies. Weekly family dinners. Constant check ins. We have each others backs. Just like any other couple who has divorced or shared a life together.

We’ve actually been apart almost 3x longer than we were together. Which is wild to me. When we first broke up I didn’t know how things were going to go but through communication, patience and the outcome we both want in mind, we manage our way through the discomfort that comes with being in relationship. Any relationship. I’d say our love and commitment is unconditional.

Now, do I on the occasion or he find ourselves at our wits end? Omg, yes. But I’m committed to him in the same way you commit to family. You have your days and you get over it.
This has taken us years to create. It’s one of the most gratifying relationships I’ve had because there have been many moments where one of us could have walked and never talked but we got over ourselves.

It has required more from us than I think the average relationships does because we don’t have family or friends or a piece of paper adding pressure if you will to our partnership. If anything, it was questioned for so long that it would have been easy to agree with everyone on the outside- yeah, this is weird. No one else does this. When you break up you don’t talk. He’s not even your children’s father. Years of push back. And it can get to your head which is why I’m talking about it because many of you want to coparent and partner with your person, but not remain romantically involved. You want to live separately and see other people but remain married. You want to raise kids together and have your own lives.

I’m here to tell you not only is it possible and you can it’s not your job to get everyone to accept it or get on board with you. But you’ve got to stop trying to get everyone to be okay with your decisions. You get to decide how you want to live your life and people get to think what they want about it. I’ll tell you this much though; aside from a few jealous men who felt threatened and jealous by my ex almost everyone else has come around to “fuck, I want that.” Or “you two have a better relationship than most married couples” and love what we have created. But that’s because we show up the way we do which shows the people -this too can work.

We consciously choose our family daily. We don’t have to - but we choose to.
It’s not without it’s work, dedication and care. I do want to point out too, that some of you think your relationship would be easier if you weren’t together or you would be happier and I’m here to tell you, that won’t be the case… You currently don’t want to do the work with the person your in relation with. You think adding a lover, opening the relationship up or living in separate homes will magically fix it. Not going to happen. You just go from married problems to single problems or co parenting problems. I do more relational work with my ex than anyone. Considering how much you here me talk about the work I’m doing in my dating life should give you an indication as to what I’m talking about.
Maintaining our relationships, friendships, partnerships etc require self relational awareness.
What I have is an option to anyone. But it does’t automatically fix anything. It just gives you new problems to figure out.

Okay, here is a frequently asked question and one I was discussing with one friend in
I got a text from a friend one day asking for her friends. Does Ashley have thoughts on what kids should call female private parts? We adults are having a hard time saying vagina and that’s not even the right word. So like, what should we teach our kids to call it??

First of all. It’s an honor to be the person you thought to ask this question to. I believe our children are the future and how you decide to educate your kids effects all of us. And the fact that we live in a culture that doesn’t want to call the humanity anatomy by its name and not educate on the full female bodies parts and purpose is kind of disturbing, if you really think about it.

I like most of you grew up with different names for our genitals most of which repulse me to even say but fell back on using vagina or her.
I don’t dislike having names I just find it interesting that we call our eyes eyes, knees knees and that when we are singing head shoulders knees and toes we are skipping over an entire 1/3 of our body. Because it’s private, naughty and highly sexualized. Not human body parts.
Not for pleasure.
I think we are doing a great disservice when we don’t educate our kids with the age appropriate information about sexuality and what our bodies were made to feel and do. All our wonderful parts.

It’s not a vagina, but a vulva. The vulva describes all the parts and make up of the exterior of a pussy. That’s what I call it - but for your children and for those of you who only want to say pussy with me and privately (please practice at least in private for me) it would be a vulva. The vagina is located inside next to the cervix. Insider tip: the vagina has no nerve endings. What a relief, right? When those babies come sliding down we don’t want to feel anything more than we are.
I’ve heard sexologists referring to the pussy as your VV and I can get down with that. Like way down, actually. It implies the person using the term knows the difference and enough to know the outside isn’t the vagina.
I also want to point out that this discussion and misnaming or questioning what to call the genitals is statistically limited to the female body. Society does’t seem to have a problem making sure a boy knows he has a penis.

I regret not informing my child of their clit earlier. The body part that is… I was a little non chalant about it. I think it’s important for those assigned female at birth to know that your body is the only body born with an organ whose sole purpose is to feel pleasure. It’s an organ made up of 8000 nerve endings. The penis has 4000 at the tip of its head and its a multi tool. I mean, that’s cool but if you ask me, we should be bragging about this sweet little power button informs the female of its birthright and source of pleasure. Teaching our girls that they can pleasure themselves and feel good by way of their own hands is something I wish we were more deliberate and conscious of.

After years of working in my shop and reflecting on my own sexual experiences it occurred to me that most hetero women learn their bodies by way of another mans hands and wants. Not through their own self exploration. I recommend giving your daughters permission to explore their bodies and to create a vocabulary describing what they find feels good and where so they can learn to communicate their needs and pleasure in the bedroom with their partners.

Exploring sex and pleasure with a partner is all about equity and being able to share your likes and dislikes, having the vocab and language to communicate is your responsibility. But that requires us as parents opening up the dialogue - asking them what they know- if they have questions and remaining in a place of not knowing. Your experience and education may be dated.

They’ve had access to information from kids and the internet in ways you couldn’t begin to fathom and are more likely to go there with their questions than to you. Remember, we live in a country that is teaching sex education based on abstinence and STI prevention. In Austin TX the teacher couldn’t use the word sex or talk about sex during sex and health education. It’s our responsibility to educate our children.
Which starts with having zero shame in naming or calling the parts what they are and explaining all they are capable of doing. Not just procreating, but pleasure.

What’s next… oh, yes. I had a client reach out to me to talk about her recent break up and she said, you’d never believe it… I went back and read my journals over the years and my unhappiness is all there. He’s been the same person and hasn’t changed a bit. It’s wild that its written all through my journals.

Renegades, pardon my delivery but this is the least wild thing. Your brain, the way it thinks, how you react, your beliefs are probably the most consistent thing about you. The most predictable behavior about you.

You cannot believe your thoughts… you are running a program that is so subconscious and interpreting things based on your experiences that you are basically informing your current experiences based on past thought patterns and belief system.

Your brain is designed to be efficient which comes down to its thinking and emotions. It’s all stored allowing you to run on auto pilot preserving precious brain energy.

I find a great deal of relief knowing this which is precisely why my method of journaling is slightly different than the average persons.

When our thinking is causing us pain or discomfort - when we are so entangled in our story about what the other person did, feeling vindicated - I was right - I knew it all along- we actually feel shitty. You don’t realize your desire to be right actually hurts you. You’d rather be right than let go of the story and give yourself some relief.

Most people when they journal they write out the story of what happened and they continue to lie in that story… and the brain keeps gathering more and more evidence to fluff it up and prove you right. This is where I say,

don’t take the first think. Of course put it on paper but look at how it’s making you feel. And remember, it’s not the persons actions making you feel this way. It’s your thoughts about what they are doing that cause your feelings. Feelings don’t come from outside of you. They are built from within.

Right the facts down.
Write down one thought you have about each fact.
Ask yourself how it makes you feel thinking that and how your want to react in this situation.

Now, same fact write down but write down what else it might mean. Or ask yourself how you want to feel about each fact. What would you have to believe?
How would you experience the situation if you felt and believed this?

You could come up with 5-10 different viewpoints. It doesn’t mean you feel great about the break up but it might move you from blame or shame into acceptance and sadness.
I like to borrow thoughts from friends to help give me different perspectives. One friend who has handled my PR, miss Alex Rancheck shameless plug- has the most positive innocent out look on things, people happenings and my brain doesn’t. Whenever I talk to her I’m like oh my god you are such a delight. I see dead ends, doom and gloom and she’s like what? No this is what is happening and I’m always like OMG. How do you do that??

Renegades, I promise it feels better when you allow yourself to process the emotions and what is happening so you can move through the experience in a clean way.

Moral of the story: Don’t believe your journals. Unless you are constantly interrogating yourself as you write, they are just made up thoughts, not facts. We get to choose what we want to believe about the facts and circumstances in our lives. Don’t take the first think.

Here’s a good one for you:
I’d like to hear from other women why I’m never the one they choose. Why they want the bad boy.
Full disclosure this is from my friend and former client. I said that’s not true; the woman you’ve been telling me about tonight wants more and you’ve dated women in the past who have but you’re not interested in them. You just said she’s not right for you based on a few things.
Yah but like more than not, most women I date tell me they aren’t looking for anything serious but then fall into a relationship with a guy that hasn’t been good to them.
I was like broooo this reminds me of the Dads vs Cads which was a study done and may be considered narrow, certainly based on hetero norms but it’
And you are so not the bad boy or a cad which is the guy who wants to procreate with as many women as possible to spread his alpha like seed- not settle down if you will- which could be considered a player. They aren’t actually looking to have all the babies but same evolutionary design.
You’re the dad- provider, structured. You want one woman to tend to and look out for, to protect.
Later that night I was thinking about our conversation and some of the women he has dated and thought:
You aren’t choosing the women who are into the dads. You are choosing women don’t just want to be with the bad boy / cads, but in some ways are themselves. They aren’t looking for serious right now. They aren’t doing somewhat traditional dynamics. They don’t want to settle down…

But I think a more productive question than why are those women choosing the bad boys over me might be why am I not choosing women who tell me they are available? What’s really holding me up? When they tell me why they want more and what they are interested in, what’s blocking my curiosity to see what’s possible here?

Okay Renegades, I’m going to end it there today but you can expect this to be an on going series. If you want to read some questions that I responded to about being 66 and sending nudes to a long distance lover you’ve never met or how to make a sexy video head on over to column on tribeza.com
Renegades, thank you for tuning in this week. If you're enjoying this podcast let me know. Head on over to Apple Podcasts and share it with a five star rating and review. You can also head on over to my website, www.modernrenegades.com. Sign up for my newsletter, leave your questions and comments, or just connect with me directly. I look forward to hearing from you.

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