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Ep #48

La Petite Mort

Have you ever heard someone use the phrase la petite mort? It’s not uncommon to use this phrase after a really good orgasm, or at the end of an amazing book or tv series. When something good comes to an end, there is la petite mort; a tiny death.

I’ve found myself thinking about this phrase lately, more in terms of goals and achievements. We keep our eyes on the prize and believe that once we achieve our goals, we will finally be happy or successful. But when we actually get what we wanted, the realization sinks in that the foreplay, the buildup, is over.

Renegades, in this episode I’m here to tell you that no matter how big your bank account is or how hot your man is, life is not about the climax. There is no summit, only an endless journey of exhilarating passion. Sounds good, right? Listen in as I share how to become a lover of the buildup and work on your biggest obstacle: your mind.

What You Will Discover:

  • What la petite mort is how it relates to life goals.
  • Why so many of us believe that happiness comes from doing more.
  • How goal setting can be a spiritual and even erotic process.
  • How reaching the summit doesn’t evolve you, but the climb does.
  • Why I recommend masturbating mindfully, and how to do it.
  • How my role as a consumer has shifted with my desire for foreplay.

Resources Mentioned:

Enjoy the Show?


Comment ca va Renegades? Moi? Très bien I thought it might be cute to open up in French since the title is in French but it’s falling flat since I can’t have a conversation nor read this entire episode in another language.

Remember how I was talking about cold weather recently; I was wrong. It wasn’t cold then. It’s cold today. I never know how to handle myself either when the cold comes in. It’s like I forget that layers work, that I won’t end up with frost bite and not to worry; it will be warm again in 3 days. There is no way I could live in a place that is cold and snowy for months on end. I would hibernate all winter. I’d stay inside with warm foods and blankets and movies and not leave until it was at least 75. Which does’t sound half bad actually. Sounds like the perfect excuse come to think of it!

How many of you know the expression La Petite Mort? It stands for a tiny death but it’s official meaning translates to "the brief loss or weakening of consciousness" and in modern usage refers specifically to "the sensation of post orgasm as likened to death.”

It’s not uncommon however to use this expression when describing finishing a book that you didn’t want to end, perhaps a wonderful evening having dinner with friends or possibly concluding a thrilling tv series. Before you know, it has come to an end; la petite mort.

I’ve found myself thinking of this expression lately but more as it relates to goal setting, achievements, outcomes and life. Why we go after the things we do. How conscious we are to the process. What we think will be different once we achieve it. But more importantly; are we getting a charge from the external accomplishment or the internal evolution that comes with achieving it?

We live in a society that is obsessed with performance and attainment; we work as fast and hard as we can to get the promotion, have the family and kids, buying a house or getting a new car - the same way we do orgasms and climaxing. With your eye on the prize and the belief that once I achieve this I’ll feel bliss, happiness or success. And so we go, as hard and fast as we can to get there, only to realize how fast it went and for what? A few minutes of “I got it” right before the realization that "it’s over” settles in.

La petite mort.

It leaves you wondering, what was it for?

Is it for the final release?

To get and get done or

for the foreplay along the way

The process of who and what we become combined with all the feelings.

The internal spark.

The erotic charge.

The thing is, Renegades, many of you pursuing your dreams and goals with the idea that life will be better once you have it or accomplished it. We are brainwashed into thinking if you have the new latest and greatest car you will feel fulfilled. If you have the bag and botox you will be happy. Every where you look you are being told and sold, you need this or should look like this or you won’t be happy.

You don’t pause and ask yourself why you want what you want? What you spend 50 hours a week on zoom for?

And you are very confused about why you feel lifeless after the newness wears off. You think if you acquire more or accomplish something else you will fill the void. That THIS is what has been missing.

This chase never ends because you carry this false belief that success and happiness comes from doing and having more.

You believe these things outside of you are going to actually fulfill you. I’m here to tell you, it doesn’t matter how small your ass is, how big the bank account is or how hot that husband is.

You will get bored and feel unsatisfied and convince yourself something has gone wrong and rather than stoking the fire you will be convinced that a boob job or new car or man will satisfy you. Rather than doing the internal work of rediscovering what’s right in front of you, you go out looking for more.

The quest for the external awakens your insatiable thirst for more and more, but never quenches your internal desires.

Like I say, you gotta go in before you go out.

This never ending chase is not only exhausting, but you don’t evolve in that process.
It’s in the process of discovery that you grow. Once bored we stop pushing ourselves. We get comfortable. We feel entitled.

How do you generate passion from this pursuit?

And don’t be confused Renegades. I’m not suggesting you don’t have nice things or go for the dream job. What I’m saying is make sure you know that that thing won’t fill any void. Go for it because you want to not because you think it will make you happy once you have it.

Goal setting is a spiritual process, Renegades. And it can be an erotic one, if approached properly. If you learn to channel and cultivate the energy you will open up to a life that is full of curiosity, interest and appreciation. You can learn to master the art of foreplay and living in the process - You can create a life that will blow your own mind.

It’s about getting clean and clear on what you want and your why. And while you’re on your journey stay present. Relish in the discomfort that comes up. Take joy in your wins and losses along the way. Feel all of it. Learn to enjoy the foreplay and prolong your release.

I’ve been reading the Kosher Sutra and Schmuley Boteach says;

“Reorienting your life away from a strict goal-orientation to a means-orientation is the very beginning of recapturing eroticism in your life. Eroticism is all about arousal, all about building toward climax without achieving it. In other words, eroticism is a recognition of the infinity of life and its endless nature. There is no climax, there is no summit. There is only an endless journey of accelerating passion.”

He talks about the importance of not releasing, but rather cultivating the energy, building it up and using it to play. The idea being that again, once you release, you die a tiny death. It’s over.

When you approach life’s journey feeling aroused along the way you are open to discover and play. To be truly present in the process and let go of the outcome will open you up to more possibilities and ways of getting there. You will be even more turned on in life.

I have a client who at the beginning of 2020 set a sales goal of 60 mil in real estate volume. It was a number that was a stretch for him - an amount he’d never reached in his 30 years as a real estate agent.

Our plan was simple; practice thinking and feeling as if it were done. The how would reveal itself. We laid out all the obstacles we could think of and built strategies around each of them, but as you know, you can’t predict everything that is going to happen. Like a pandemic and covid. As life and its circumstances presented themselves he continued to pivot, but his goal did not change. But his thinking did. I witnessed a display of stoicism as he learned to remain neutral to the things he could not control. He learned to not react to deals falling apart or the fact that he couldn’t show property. Or that there was literally no tourism on the island in which is lives.

He kept his belief that he would close 60mil on repeat while also dancing with the challenges that came his way. It’s been nothing short of inspiring to witness. Literally clients coming out of what we will call nowhere wanting to buy and close. We actually laugh at times because he isn’t having to work any harder. He only has to have faith in his belief and manage his thinking.

We were discussing his accomplishment last week and he said, I thought I would feel differently than I do now. I thought I’d be more excited when I reached my goal but I’m more impressed with how I got here and who I’ve become. I think completely differently than I did last year. This entire process has taught me what I’m capable of.

The truth is, he is different, but reaching the summit didn’t evolve him. It was the climb. The climb is where you overcome yourself daily. The climb is the foreplay. The buildup. The lessons. The Growth. The possibility. Once you’ve reached the top, you’ve climaxed. It’s over. La Petite Mort.

He’s already talking about next years goal. He knows full well that the climb won’t be the same which is what he’s more excited about now. The end goal is just the icing. He’s ready to see how he will overcome himself and the new challenges that will present themselves along the way. He’s totally turned on by the idea of the climb, not the outcome.

You come to realize this and it makes you want to start again because everything you went through - all you had to do and become to get to the top was where you evolved.

We think we’re into it just to get off, for the final moment of ahhhh, but no Renegades. You start to become a lover of the foreplay and process. Of delaying the outcome. You begin to think of all the mastery that is between you and the life you want. You start to live an erotic life. You see things differently. You feel alive.

To live a big erotic life will require you to work on your biggest obstacle daily: Your mind. This mother fucker, as you know, needs to be directed and tamed. Not in that order.

If you are thinking a negative spiral of I’m poor, I never have money I don’t know how to make money, I never follow through on my goals, I can’t … you won’t make it.

If you are lying around feeling bored or entitled to a different life, you won’t make it.

The power of suggestion. Affirmations. Thinking on purpose is an absolute must. If you want different results in life then you have to start thinking differently.

But there’s more: Feelings. Our feelings create vibrations in our bodies AND send a signal out into the universe.

Our feelings fuel our actions which give us our results.

You want to align your thinking with the feelings that will get you in action. Most often we think we need to be disciplined, focused or determined to get us into action. These feelings certainly work, but today I want to offer you the 3 most powerful positive emotions to scale: Faith, love and sex.

Duh. I’m talking about living an erotic life. You had to know this was coming… no pun intended. We’re saving it remember?

Napoleon Hill who wrote ‘Think and Grow Rich’ states from the beginning that the key to attaining the goals and riches is a careful blend of vibration. Faith love and sex: “ when the three are blended, they have the effect of coloring the vibration of thought in such a way that it instantly reaches the subconscious mind, where it is changed into its spiritual equivalent, the only form that induces a response from Infinite Intelligence. Love and faith are psychic; related to our spiritual side. Sex purely biological, and related only to the physical. The mixing or blending, of these three emotions has the effect of opening a direct line of communication between the finite, thinking mind and Infinite Intelligence.”

When you start aligning these feelings to purposeful thinking about what you want in this life you break into your subconscious and start convincing yourself that it’s possible. That you can have the life you want.

You set time aside each day and practice affirmative thinking and feel into Faith, Love and Sex to help produce the vibration to materialize it. I haven’t ever spoken of this before on the podcast, but a practice I highly recommend is masturbating mindfully. The next time you decide to try this method;
Focus on the sensation in your pelvic area as you feel it building. Try not to fantasize about anyone or anything when doing this, but instead embody the sensation. Feel into it. As the tension builds, breathe it up through your energy channels or chakras. See it filling through your solar plexus straight up through your throat- once you get skilled you can feel this vibration rising up, while simultaneously breathing more of it up from your pelvic area. Again, you are focused on this vibration and sensation raising through the center of your body, pulling it up through the crown of your head.
Breathe into this sensation of sexual energy pulsing in your body. When you climax start imaging and seeing yourself accomplishing what it is you want in life. Who you want to be.

Channel this energy and put out into the world what it is you want.

It is a powerful, very good feeling, process to play with.

You can of course practice this breathing practice without masturbating and cultivate the same energy and feelings.

You can also practice not releasing and harness this energy as a source for you to create.

Your sexual energy has so much power behind it. Use it to create the life you want.
If this is too out of the box for you, totally get it… go back and listen to episode 33 Manifesting Good Feelings. I offer a breathing exercise that has nothing to do with sexual energy or masturbation. Just a lot of ahhhing and feeling on purpose.

I was thinking about all the times in life I’ve felt stuck or stagnate- stuck in a relationship, stagnate creatively speaking with work. I knew I wanted something different and I believed if I changed the job and the man I would feel better. I’d be happier. And I did change those things-several times.

For a few moments I would feel relief, but it never lasted long. The stuck and stagnate feelings came right back. It suddenly became very clear that there would be no amount of change on the outside that was going to light up my inside. Once I finally understood that my feelings don’t come from my circumstances, but instead my thoughts about them, my life changed. And when I learned the skill of feeling ahead of time, choosing beliefs that created these feelings it was go time.
Knowing and believing that I can create any result I want in my life in itself, turns me on.

Knowing that I can create the feeling I believe that these goals will give me ahead of time, even more of a turn on.

I know that having reached the goal will give me a feeling of accomplishment, but I also know how to feel that now. That I don’t need to wait to acquire things externally to feel how I want rot in this moment.

And that the journey on the way to the goal is where the juice is. This is where we grow; In the ups and downs of the process. In the foreplay.

Renegades, “Life is not meant to climax. Climax is death.”

If I ever find myself lacking inspiration I know that I don’t have to wait for it. I know what to think and what to do to create it. I also know that it’s okay to feel stagnate. That it’s just a feeling and it does’t mean I can’t create and still work towards my goals. That all the feelings are suppose to be there. It does’t mean to quit or that somethings gone wrong. I know it’s all part of the foreplay before my climax.

I also can’t tell you how much this thinking about why I want what I want has shifted my role as a consumer. My impulse to purchase has waned. I find myself desiring and wanting without making the purchase. I like to observe the wanting. See the thoughts offered by my brain about how my life will feel better. That living in a pandemic might be nicer if I had. When I do make the purchase or spend the money on something I want it’s from a place of I just want it. My life isn’t going to better or worse off because of it. Instead, I buy from a place of this is what I want. And I really enjoy it for what it is. There is no false idea that my life will be better or I will be better or that living in a pandemic will be better.

I found out last week that someone I knew and who had a very big impact on my life would be passing away in a week, two at most.

As death does, it got me thinking about our lives and how we are living them. The age old question of when you’re on your death bed and let’s say, hypothetically you even have time to look back at your life, will you have regrets before you climax?

What do you think you will think when you are lying there taking your final breaths?

Will you find yourself smiling, knowing that you wouldn’t have chosen to live any other way?

What will comfort your mind as a life well lived?
Are you intentionally living right now or just going through the motions.
Is you life so fast paced and filled with things that you can’t enjoy it?
What are the details you want to remember?

Was it worth it? Was there more you wanted to do? Why? Why didn’t you?

Pause for a moment and look at your life as a worker, a lover a friend and or parent. Are you only focusing on the outcome of what the roles can deliver? Or are you enjoying the smallest experiences-noticing the details in the day to day as you move closer towards the end goal?

I want to urge you to embrace the foreplay. To master it.
It is here where you will find meaning, reveal yourself and awaken your erotic spark for life.

The end goal is good, Renegades, but it’s better when you learn the art of foreplay.

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