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Modern Renegades with Ashley Kelsch | New Beginnings

Ep #68

New Beginnings

Do you ever notice what happens in your brain when someone decides to break it off with you? Our brains try to convince us to do whatever it takes to cling on to that relationship. But we’re not doing that anymore, Renegades, we’re approaching breakups in a new way. We’re seeing them as what they are: new beginnings.

You will have days where you want to send a text, crawl in bed and cry, drink to numb, but before you take any of these actions, I want you to consider what you could do instead. A new beginning is a time to build up, an opportunity to look for all the ways you dated differently. Don’t become a person you don’t recognize; instead, love yourself even harder than anyone else will ever be able to.

In this episode, I’m sharing some steps to help you flow more freely through your new beginnings, and why the only person you can figure out is you. I’m showing you the importance of tending to your needs and nurturing yourself, and how to process pain while remaining present in your life.

What You Will Discover:

  • Why your brain wants to stay on default thinking.
  • How to purify your perspective.
  • Why you want to tend to yourself as quickly as possible.
  • How to practice new beliefs with love.
  • Why you don’t always have to believe the sentences in your brain.
  • How to choose thoughts that help you move through the pain, not ones that keep you suffering.

Resources Mentioned:

  • If you’re enjoying the tools and concepts I’m sharing each week about your brain on dating, you won’t want to miss out on working with me one-on-one. I’ve just launched my program, Wake Up Before Another Breakup, where in just 8 weeks, you won’t question if you can trust yourself to date or why you can’t find the one. Click here to learn more about it and how you can work with me.

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Ever notice what happens when someone decides to break it off with you? What happens to your brain? I know you know… If there is one thing the brain is good at it’s cataloging all the shit that feels horrible.

Just think back to the last time someone said the words, I don’t want to be with you. This relationship isn’t what I’m looking for. I know I said I thought this was it, but I just don’t see it that way anymore.

After we throw up in our mouths a little and feel 17 different shades of anger, disbelief, what the fuck? Shock, but you said we find ourselves unable to hear or see anything outside of thoughts. The replaying. The what did I say? What did I do? We were so good until we entered the vortex. I got too clingy. I was too available.

You start to look for the ways to fix it. If I give him the time he needs… let him know the way I was - the way I am- I’m changing that. And you try and try to figure out what it is they need you to do or say to fix it. Make it go back. And then you realize… there’s no going back.
And you get off the ride of action and on to the ride of broken dreams and despair with a hint of shame.

I’m so tired of this being the ending. I feel like I’ve exhausted every possibility. I’ve ‘hoped’ more times than I can count.

I’m embarrassed that this has been my life, looking for and pursuing the one.

I hate that it’s not more. That it’s not the perfect love story that was worth holding out for.
I hate that I believed him telling me he had never stopped thinking about me.

All you can think is that you’re alone again. Something is wrong with you. You’ll never find the one.

My client’s words, friends’ words, my words, your words all land like this.

When it’s heartache over a breakup we have the kind of ruptures that have you selling your car you used to make love in, you’ll start dining out on the other side of town, running marathons, swapping gold for silver, changing your career.

You vow to never do it again. Be this person who you don’t even recognize. But you’re also so confused because you became the person they wanted you to be. And what the fuck? It wasn’t enough. Now what?

I’ll tell you what. We aren’t doing that anymore. Instead we are going to follow the Renegades guide to breaking up and approach it with our Modern Brain. Let’s start with renaming the process. Delete break up and call it a new beginning. A time to build up rather than break down and lose your mind. This is my kind of party.

Let’s get the fuck off the struggle bus, okay?

Number One:

This person leaving you doesn’t mean you’ll be alone forever. Being here again doesn’t mean you’ve gone backwards. Your dream or idea of love and a relationship is not over..
Spend time consciously letting go of this other person AND holding tight to your dream or idea of finding the one. Don’t be so quick to convince yourself this future doesn’t exist. It just doesn’t with this one person.

Number Two:

Rather than focusing on the breakup look at the entire picture.

The breakup is one slice of the entire relationship. Zoom out and look at the relationship as a whole. All of its parts…Ask yourself.

In what ways did I experience this relationship that were new for me? Was there anything in particular that happened that made this relationship different? What did they show me about me? Even in the arguments- especially- where did I find yourself hurt? Other level angry? Why? What can you learn about myself in these moments?

Where did you learn to love harder? Show up more vulnerably?
Were you able to open up in a new way?
Did you honor your values and priorities? Were you true to yourself?
What feelings and thoughts did you experience that were new for you this time?

There is some much juicy juice here, Renegades but you have to stay in your sovereign self. True to you. Stick with the facts to collect data.

All math, no drama. What are the facts.

Give yourself credit for what you brought to the relationship. This is self-care - loving yourself so fucking hard when someone else is choosing not to. How hard can you love yourself?

Look for all the ways you dated differently rather than trying to figure out what’s wrong with him. Why he couldn’t commit. What you should have said instead. It’s a waste of your time and energy.

The only person you can figure out is you. I want you to answer those questions I asked and create new thoughts to think throughout this new beginning and repeat them like your life depends on it.

Renegades, the brain is going to want to stay on default. The story you are used to thinking; It never works out for me. I’m here again. Somethings wrong with me.

STOP IT. You’ve got to override this mother fucker with the new thoughts. This default thinking is a habit. It’s not you. These aren’t facts. They are optional thoughts. Choose thoughts that help move you through the pain. Not the ones that keep you suffering. All you have to do is say them when the other thoughts come up… it’s only a matter of time until your brain starts believing.

I believed him when he said words
This relationship started and ended.
I practiced feeling safe and now know how it feels.
I let my guard down and experienced myself trusting.
I opened up to having sex in a new way.
I honored my boundaries and used my voice.

You will have days where you want to send a text, crawl in bed and cry, drink to numb before you take any of these actions I want you to check in with your thoughts. What am I thinking right now that is leading me to want to react like this? How am I feeling? How will I feel after if I fire off a text? Lose a day in bed or hungover?

Is this the response I want to choose?

Play it all out.

Then go back to the new thoughts you created on all the amazing ways you evolved and leveled up in this relationship and see how you can operate from there.

Observe the reaction - choose the response.

Do it like your life depends on it.

Number 3:

Every person we encounter is going to show us a mirror, our shadow - our needs- our ego- all the stuff we don’t want to see beyond the excitement of dating and high of love making. Once the layers start to un-layer, we begin to reveal more and more. In this vulnerability we either run or dig in.

When the relationship has completed itself, we can spend time trying to figure out them, what they meant, we are analytical of why they did this and how they are wrong…

I want you to make a U turn. When you find yourself reflecting on their behavior consider going back to your ways of un-layering. None of that matters right now. What matters is that when you choose to think this way it hurts you. Distracts you from yourself and the present. Tend to it as quickly as possible.

It makes me think of the first chapter of Shantaram:

“It took me a long time and most of the world to learn what I know about love and fate and the choices remake, but the heart of it came to me in an instant, while I was chained to a wall and being tortured. I realized, somehow throughout the screaming in my mind, that even in that shackled, bloody helplessness, I was still free: free to hate the men who were torturing me or to forgive them. It doesn’t sound like much I know. But in a flinch and bite of the chain, when it’s all you’ve got, that freedom is a universe of possibility. And the choice you make between hating and forgiving, can become the story of your life.”

I want to encourage you to purify your perspective. Is what I’m believing true? Is there another way of seeing them? If I believed this break up was the right thing for me, how would I experience it differently than I am. How can I tend to my needs and nurture myself?

How can I approach processing my pain and remain present to my life - In what ways can I support myself and still show up for others? Can I forgive and focus on healing?

Number 4:

Your brain is designed to be on default mode and just because you have a plan in place to find new thoughts doesn’t mean you will start to automatically believe them or feel instant enlightenment and change overnight. Your brain is efficient at staying in default mode. It doesn’t want to think new thoughts or believe in new things. It requires extra energy. It’s work. This is your work. You have to keep repeating the new thoughts and break the habit of the original thinking which requires constant practice. You will want to get discouraged. You’re not broken. These are just sentences in your brain. You don’t have to believe them. Don't subscribe. Watch them pass by.

You will think, I’m never going to believe that this is okay.

Offer your brain, today I’m practicing believing the thought, this is going to be okay.

Some days you will just be with the thought. Nothing has gone wrong. Continue to practice the new belief with love. I’m telling you- these are the times you learn to love yourself harder than anyone will ever be able to.

Now that we have a clear plan on how to manage your mind, I want you to follow this process for your emotions.

By following these steps you will learn how to flow a little more freely through this process. It will require more love and compassion for your, than you’ve ever had to practice. It will require you to be soft, emotional and disciplined.

1. Surrender to what you are feeling. Don’t tell yourself everything is fine. You’ll be okay. You are lying to yourself. The truth is you don’t feel okay. You’re not fine. You don’t believe this is for the best. Watch the thoughts you are having and identify how they make you feel.
2. Allow those feelings to wash over your body. With as much love, kindness and compassion you can muster, hold space for you to feel the emotions in your body. Describe and narrate in detail what is happening in your body. An emotion is a vibration that goes through our body. Acknowledge ‘this is me processing pain’.
3. Create a daily practice of rituals or routines that brings you home to your body and the present. Trust that self-love and care is the antidote.
4. Move your body. If you are too tired and in despair, consider a walk and a wind bath while listening to Sufjan Stevens Mystery of Love or Visions of Gideon. If you are angry rage to Wolf Like Me by TV on the Radio. If you are sad listen to Tori Amos and roll on the floor crying. Set aside time to consciously move your emotions through your body with music.
5. Find Pleasure and Gratitude. However hard at first, look for and find the things that turn you on - watching your dog run in a park, seeing the sunrise- call a friend to share in their good news- Directing your brain and energy each day to the good will create new neuro pathways and give you respite from your pain.

Mama Gena teaches that “You are sensitive to your body, to yourself. You are listening to what people would call intuition, but it’s deeper. Pussy is deeper than that because if you think about the clitoris and it’s 8000 nerve endings integrate more information than any other part of your body. If you’re tuned into your pussy, your integrating information from your conscious, your unconscious, your peripheral nervous system, your neocortex and your hypothalamus. All of that is working on our behalf like a proper little brain, sensing and empowering you. Women have this thing where when you’re feeling truly yourself, you can sense things.
When we women shut down, we lose our intuition.”

Stay turned on. your sense of self - your connection to you will just get deeper. This is the good stuff. The intimacy we really want to create. The one with self. The one that no one can penetrate. She just falls more in love with who she’s becoming. You welcome the version of you.
From this place you will be ready to invite anyone who is ready to hold equal space to yours. You won’t feel the need to hide from potential heartbreak. You have created a container and developed a new capacity to experience the feelings.

Renegades? I love you. If you have any questions, place that hand on your pussy… she knows. Otherwise, email me. I’m here to guide you home.

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