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Modern Renegades with Ashley Kelsch | Plan Be

Ep #76

Plan Be

If I could guarantee that you will have the relationship you’ve always wanted, would you lose your mind to love now? Would every breakup be devastating? Could you just let go of control and the worry and just be? That’s my challenge for you, Renegades.

We spend so much time worrying that we may not end up with the one, that we compromise ourselves, our priorities, our values, and our boundaries. We find ourselves acting in a way that is not aligned with who we are or who we say we want to be.

In this episode, I’m showing you why worrying about your relationships, dating, and future is distracting you from your life and how to intentionally focus on all you have right here and now. If it’s meant to be for your greater good, it will be, so I’m showing you how to trust in this and learn to be present with your life exactly as it is.

What You Will Discover:

  • How to want from a place of abundance.
  • The problem with doing something from scarcity or limiting beliefs.
  • How to be with your life exactly as it is.
  • Why you are creating the narratives you are in your life.
  • How to stop trying to plan and control and worry about everything.

Resources Mentioned:

  • If you’re enjoying the tools and concepts I’m sharing each week about your brain on dating, you won’t want to miss out on working with me one-on-one. I’ve just launched my program, Wake Up Before Another Breakup, where in just 8 weeks, you won’t question if you can trust yourself to date or why you can’t find the one. Click here to learn more about it and how you can work with me.
  • If you want a behind-the-scenes look at my 90-day challenge of no men and celibacy, click here to join my private group.
  • Island by Aldous Huxley

Enjoy the Show?


Before we get into today’s episode, I want to invite you to join my journey for a behind the scenes look at my 90 day challenge of celibacy.

Some of you have expressed similar interests in doing a man tox, have questions about the process and I thought why not share my experience. You don’t have to commit to doing it either. I’ll be sharing how my goal setting strategy, how to overcome obstacles which you can apply to any goal you have, the tools and concepts I’m using, video updates and all my drama.

This community is private and for the femmes only. That’s right. No mens. Just femmes. IF you are interested head on over to and click on the 90 day challenge button located at the bottom of page.

You will be given access from there. So excited to share all of this with you and see all the things that come up over the next 90 days.

I’m not sure if you’re familiar with Anne Lemont who is a writer, but she posted on her Instagram a few weeks back this image of her and a man who is now her husband and it said: we met several days after I started receiving Medicaid. Never give up.

And it got me thinking, if you knew that in 1 year, 5 years or 25 years, you’d meet the love of your life would you lose your mind to love? Would every no be the end?

Would every breakup be devastating?

If you knew and believed that no matter what happened, in this lifetime of yours you’re going meet the person that you will spend your life with, would these relationships, with their beginnings and ends be so heartbreaking?

Have you ever noticed yourself wanting to hold on to someone even when you know, now is not the time, or it’s not them? Or thinking, he’s nice, he’s choosing me- it probably won’t get better than this?

There’s this the old joke about the Jewish telegram? It goes like this; “start worrying, details to follow.”

Unfortunately, we are so worried that we may not end up with the one, that we compromise ourselves. Our priorities, values and boundaries. We find ourselves doing and acting in a way that is not aligned with who we say we are or want to be.

And while we are in this mental space, we try to rush and lock down a relationship so that we can breathe and feel comfortable AND then we attempt to get to know this person as we squeeze them into our idea. It’s sort of this ‘jump and figure it out on the way down’ approach.

Sometimes is looks like we are looking for some body not somebody.

Worrying, much like trying to control outcomes, pretends to be useful. Your brain certainly thinks it is but I’m sure after the last couple of years you, like me, have come to understand that it doesn’t matter how much we try to control fix or worry about things.

Things, life and all the circumstances are going to happen. Mother Nature will occasionally be a mother fucker and rain all over your plans. No amount of control will keep your children safe once they leave the womb. As it turns out, the world continues on in chaos and order doing what it does regardless of your greatest efforts.

And God knows Renegades, when it comes to dating, love and relationships we really think we’re in control until we’re not. That may sound elusive but I know you know.

Here’s something you need to keep in mind. Anytime you are doing something from scarcity or limiting beliefs, you will create negative results. I’m not saying you won’t end up with the person but, if you are feeling stressed and obsessed trying to get the guy, you will act and behave from this space - it won’t feel good in your body- the things you do, the texting, communication, what have you will have this energy creating and vibrating in your experience. You may end up with the guy, and that may be great for you, but you will be on edge the entire fucking time. Your nervous system wreaking havoc on you.

Here’s another thing to keep in mind. Worrying about your relationships, dating and future tripping is distracting you from your life. This moment. All the things you have going on currently. As far as your primitive brain is concerned, there is nothing better than being distracted. Then you don’t actually have to do anything. Like facing the things in your life that do require your attention.

When you worry about not having a person or being alone, what is it that you are really afraid of? Is it loneliness? What are you making it mean about you? That you’re a failure? You’re embarrassed. You’re not good enough if you don’t have someone?

I listen to my clients and who express beliefs like, of course she got him, look at her. She’s the better choice. No man ever fights for me. I can’t do this anymore.

You may want to consider why you’re living out this narrative of negativity? Would you be able to explain to me how you are defined by having a person? How that makes you more lovable or worthy? How is that possible? Who taught you that?

When we are judging ourselves, the relationships or the people around us we can’t discover what’s beneath the surface. We can’t inquire, seek and reveal.

I recently adopted a new belief. It’s I’m on a need to know basis. Meaning I can’t tell you why this relationship didn’t work. Why I didn’t hear back from someone. What’s going to happen tomorrow. What they think. If I’ll get married. If I’ll complete the 90 days of celibacy.

I’ll only know after. Or if the other party involved tells me why they didn’t call. I can’t sit around spinning out in a trance pretending that I have the answers or know.

The one thing I do know is that what I’m supposed to know and when is always revealed exactly when it’s supposed to be. And not a moment sooner. I have experienced this so many times in my life. I have a ton of questions that have been left unanswered, but I really try to minimize the time and energy I spend trying to figure them out.
I’m on a need to know basis.

How do we do that? Not try to plan, control or worry about what’s going to happen.

I’ll tell you how Renegades. With Plan B. Not b as in the letter but be as in the verb.

We are just going to be. Right here. Right now. We are going to approach this from an abundant state of mind, not one of lack.

We aren’t hungry. We aren’t thirsty. We aren’t worried. We know that where we are right now, is where we are supposed to be.

We can drop an anchor into our reality and the world that we are currently living in. I mean this as literally as possible.

Where are you right now? What’s can you see? What is your body feeling? How does your breath feel? This.

Attention … Here and Now Renegades. Here and now.

Can you be with you and your life exactly as it is? Can you believe that your life is going to unfold in ways you can’t even imagine? That the dreams and desires you have are so small compared to what it’s in store for you? That you can’t even handle the truth yet, it’s so big. That this moment right now is preparing you for the next one. So pay attention to it. Be present to your world now and be with the lessons here and now.

That you don’t have to worry.

Attention Renegades. You are on a need to know basis. Your life is happening is unfolding right in front of you and there is so much good. Can you see it?

It’s human to want. Want love. A person, companion. It’s how we are wired and maybe even why we are here. To experience love and joy. Our relationships are where we find meaning.

But rather than longing for them from a place of not having, can you cushion the desire between all the ones you have. The great relationship with your mom after all these years. The fun crazy friendships that you have. The unconditional loving relationship with your dog. Squeeze wanting the romantic one between all the great ones you currently have.
And intentionally focus on the ones you have right here. Right now.

Can you give your lover a ‘good’ goodbye and trust that if that’s meant to be for your and his greater good, it will?

That you will meet the one? Have a companion? The relationship you’ve always wanted will manifest when it’s supposed to and not a moment earlier?
Or are you going to instead, let single status or break up mean ‘this is it’, worry and try to force what’s not meant to be. Try to make a relationship work that isn’t fulfilling to you? Continue to pursue a person who says they are ready to move on. Or make your life without a man mean it’s meaningless.

If I could guaranty to you that you are going to have the relationship you’ve always wanted, could you let go of control and worry and just be?

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