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Ep #59

From Rejection to Acceptance

I have a cautionary tale to share with you today, Renegades. A tale of imagined betrayal, lost love, and rejection from “the one.” 

The stories we tell ourselves, like this one my from client, become part of our identity. They storm into our brains, create neural pathways, and shape our experiences and how we view ourselves. 

But, the stories we believe are optional. Every belief we have is optional.

So, in today’s episode, I’m using this cautionary tale to show you how powerful your thoughts and beliefs are, and showing you how to decide if you want to choose new ones. What would happen if they weren’t “the one” and you didn’t feel rejected? Tune in to unveil what your beliefs are creating and start imagining a more erotic reality.

What You Will Discover:

  • What the feeling of rejection actually is.
  • How your current beliefs about your love life are optional.
  • What a belief is and how to create new ones.

Resources Mentioned:

  • If you’re enjoying the tools and concepts I’m sharing each week about your brain on dating, you won’t want to miss out on working with me one-on-one. I’ve just launched my program, Wake Up Before Another Breakup, where in just 8 weeks, you wont question if you can trust yourself to date or why you cant find the one. Click here to learn more about it and how you can work with me.

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Renegades,

How are we doing? I am doing. No conscious complaining this week! Just over here working away, creating a new program on how to live an erotic life. Did you see that coming? I’m really excited about it. The work I’ve been doing and the path I’ve found myself on has been so healing - energetically it’s been a survival to revival rebirth, and I am so excited to share it with you in the very near future. I think I want to create this as a group mastermind- so many sexy productive ideas for it and of course I’ll be mentioning it here but to be sure you don’t miss out on the official announcement you’ll want to sign up for my newsletter. You can do that on modernrenegades.com homepage. Scroll to the bottom of the page and voila, you’ll see the spot.

It was late one night when I happen to be scrolling on my phone when I found a message in my inbox from one of my clients. It was a screenshot of a conversation he had had with the woman he has been in love with and a comment from him to me saying; ‘Can it honestly end like this?! I know it’s been almost 4 years. I loved everything about her.’

The next day we got on the phone and I asked him to tell me what was going on.
‘Oh that, he said, I was in a bad way. Got into a little black velvet and went down memory lane… I’m fine now. It was a rough 48 hours though.’

I said, I’m not as interested in the ‘I’m fine now, as I am in the rough 48 hours. Do tell.

‘Well, a buddy of mine had messaged me that she was in town. She had stopped by his store to say hi. I immediately thought, I’ve got to go and see her. I can at least ask her how’s she’s been and see her face. But it hit me, she didn’t reach out to me to tell me she was here.
I went outside that day and started working but my mind couldn’t control itself. I couldn’t believe she didn’t reach out. That she was here and wasn’t going to say anything. I thought about how much I’ve missed her and that it was never going to be anything more and then I just stopped working.
Went into the house and cracked open a bottle of black velvet. You know, just to stop the conversation in my head. What started with one drink turned into several and I found myself sitting there on my phone scrolling back through all our texts and pictures.”

This is when I asked him if he had texted her while drinking. He said no and I looked at the screenshot he had sent me, and I saw that it was timestamped 4 years earlier.

He continued, ‘but I did sit there staring at our conversations from all those years ago absolutely wasted. I had a weak moment and sent you that screenshot.’

‘Okay, then what happened?'

‘Well, the next day, totally hungover I called my buddy up at this shop just to ask how she was. That’s when he told me that he had been kidding. She wasn’t in town. He had made it up,’

Ohhh, okay. And so how did you feel now knowing that this person didn’t not try to reach out while she was in town? That she had never been in town.

‘I felt rage at my friend. I can’t even call him that right now. I was so upset - the entire thing. I mean, like I said, I’m fine now but I was pretty mad.’

‘Yah. I can understand. And I bet that’s easier to process than the rest of what happened.’

‘He said, what do you mean?’

‘Where should I start?

How about the part where you think she’s in town and your mind immediately goes to ‘how can I see her to she’s not reaching out- she doesn’t love me and rather than feeling into your emotions, you buffered with work.
You bypassed the process.

When you realized working wasn’t going to do it, that you couldn’t resist thinking about her being there, you hit the bottle.

Which took you down memory lane and hours of arguing with reality.
And then there is the part where not only did you wake up hungover, you found out that this entire episode was based off a lie that someone told you. You had zero proof or fact around the situation, and you did not hesitate to lose yourself and cause yourself even more pain.

Hearing she was here and not reaching out made me think; I should be there with her. I’ll never meet anyone like her. If I would have done this, we’d still be together.

And then what happens?

I end up drinking and reliving how I can’t be with her and am not with her.

He replied with, yah, I’m not fine. But what the hell am I supposed to do? She was the one.

Renegades, we spend more time creating suffering with our imagination than we do in reality.

What if she’s not the one? She doesn’t want to be with you? What comes up for you?
It sucks. I’ll never meet the one…
I know you believe that. And I also know believing that is not useful to you. That belief not only causes you pain, but it prevents you from healing and moving on.

If there was a behavior you could change, what would it be?
The trying to get over here.
Why? Because whenever I think of her, I feel rejected and inferior.
Like, Why am I not good enough?
When you think that, I not good enough, what do you feel in your body?
sadness. A tightening in my chest. Kind of an oh, feeling.

Okay, what if the worst thing that is going to happen here is that you are going to feel a feeling called rejection.
It’s going to feel terrible but it’s only a vibration. Can you allow that?

Second; can you support and champion yourself through this process? She said no doesn’t mean I’m alone forever and something is wrong with me. Instead it’s She said no, it hurts but I can say yes to being here for me with my thinking by being kind and loving until it doesn’t hurt anymore - I can stop rejecting myself from feeling. I can hold space for myself to heal and not judge myself.
I can choose me. I’m the one.

What is she’s not the one? What if she was never the one? Have you ever entertained seeing her and finding out that you didn’t feel the same? Is it possible?
Renegades, we give so much airtime to the stories that cause us to feel rejected and unworthy. What would happen if you spent time imagining a story where you are free from the pain?
The stories we hold onto become part of our identity. They literally store into our brains and create a neuro-pathway and we operate from. These stories and beliefs shape our experiences and the way we see ourselves and those around us.

What we currently believe about ourselves, our love lives, friendships etc. is all optional. Put on paper what you think and then circle what is thought and story vs fact and circumstances. identify what you believe.

What is a belief? It’s a thought we’ve chosen to think repeatedly. Beliefs require zero introspection.

Real talk though; we actually believe if we get the person or whatever it is, that we are somehow worth more. If someone loves me, I’m lovable. If they choose me, I’m worthy.
And we are missing out on the one essential truth.
You were born into this world worthy and lovable. And until you realize that, someone else loving you will never be enough.
The other part of it is that we are using the people and things outside of ourselves as a means to punish ourselves. To prove how unlovable we are.

To quote Marianne Williamson: ‘Do not look to your partners, your lover, your children, your job, your job or your therapist to make you happy. It’s not their function nor within their capacity to do so. Look to yourself, your god/goddess within you and take responsibility for you own state of mind.’

The option to change a belief is possible. Ask yourself, would the world agree with this thought? If the answer is ‘No’ it’s changeable.
When we have identified the belief we want to change there is a process to truly embodying and integrating the new information.
You’ll know it’s happened because you will feel better.

Our old beliefs are going to pop up. Nothing has gone wrong! Don’t make it mean anything. Make a U turn and get back in your new lane.

Be clear on why you are telling yourself this story? Is it possible that I am wrong?

Deconstruct the fuck out of your stories and start creating new beliefs about who you are and how you see yourself.

Practice these beliefs, put them on sticky notes, in your car, on your computer- and see them everywhere. Then cultivate the feeling. Start to integrate and embody them and before you know it, you will believe it.
Until next week Renegades, remember love isn’t anxious.
Stay sexy, I’ll talk to you soon.

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