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Modern Renegades with Ashley Kelsch | Saying What You Mean

Ep #77

Saying What You Mean

Something I find endlessly fascinating personally and outwardly is communication. The difference between my words and their meaning and your words and what they mean can drive us together or push us apart.

When communication is not used properly, it can result in people performing non-consensually, feeling disconnected, and a number of other outcomes. Renegades of all gender identities, how is the other person supposed to know what you want if you don’t tell them? And if you don’t ask them what they want, how do you know they’re consenting?

In this episode, I’m diving into the super sexy topic of consent and communication. Consent is sexy. Advocating for yourself and your boundaries is sexy. I’m sharing how you can step up your communication skills to ensure you and your person are on the same page so you can feel free to connect even deeper.

What You Will Discover:

  • The reasons we don’t say what we mean.
  • Why the masculine approach is an outdated and lazy approach to getting laid.
  • How women have been conditioned not to communicate.
  • Why getting and giving consent is sexy.
  • How to practice sharing your boundaries and advocating for yourself.

Resources Mentioned:

  • If you’re enjoying the tools and concepts I’m sharing each week about your brain on dating, you won’t want to miss out on working with me one-on-one. I’ve just launched my program, Wake Up Before Another Breakup, where in just 8 weeks, you won’t question if you can trust yourself to date or why you can’t find the one. Click here to learn more about it and how you can work with me.
  • If you want a behind-the-scenes look at my 90-day challenge of no men and celibacy, click here to join my private group.

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You know what I find endlessly fascinating?

Lack of communication. How my words might mean different things then your words. How we have such a difficult time using our words and explaining what we mean.

Communication, when not used properly can drive 2 people apart. Communication, when being withheld can have 2 people showing up with different ideas.

Communication, when not expressed can result in people performing non consensually.

There is an endless list of outcomes that result in someone not being able to communicate their wants, desires or truth but I think the definitive result regardless is disconnect. Disconnect from self and the other person.

I listen to people talk about what they wanted and assume that the other person should have just known and complain about being annoyed, angry or frustrated.
I listen to people talk about being in situations where they felt compromised but didn’t or don’t communicate it with the other person.

If we could just be straight with ourselves and others and stop speaking in vagaries. Stop talking in metaphors and use your words.… We waste so much time and energy dancing as one person put it, around what we are trying to say.

I constantly find myself asking why don’t you tell them how you feel? What you want? What’s on your mind?? I’m afraid I’ll hurt his feelings. What if she rejects me…? Seriously.

One man told me how annoying it is that girls end up in his bed not wanting to hook up. I asked him how they got there. How does he get girls in bed?

I tell them I’m tired and ask them if they want to lay down.

wait. What? You’re annoyed when you tell girls your tired and invite them to lay down with you that they just lay there and fall asleep?

He is insistent that they know why they went to bed… he finds himself getting angry, because they should know.

I asked him how they should know when he says I’m tired let’s lay down that she should assume it sex? Tell me, what am I missing?

He said, what am I supposed to say??

Why not start with telling her you feel like laying in bed and fooling around and ask her if she would like to join you…

He admitted right then - but she might say no and then I’ll feel rejected.

Yes, which will end much quicker than hours laying next to someone who is confused why you are angry wishing they would leave cause you didn’t speak your truth.

Yah, but Ashley not everyone’s like you.

That’s not how it is.

And maybe he’s right. We live in a world where a man says I’m tired and she knows that means we are going to have sex. What’s worse about this entire conversation is that for most people it is assumed. Well of course that’s what he meant. What else did she think he meant?

Come on. You can’t just say all this shit... if I invite a girl over for dinner then she has to know its sex... I shouldn’t have to say dinner AND sex.

Does she? How? Because that’s what dinner means. I got your favorite wine, went out of my way… you should know.

When my friends invite me to dinner, they do all that and don’t expect sex.
If someone is inviting me over to fuck, they are letting me know.

He pushed back.

Yes, friend. Really that’s what you want to hear? That’s so unromantic and not smooth.

What do they say, Hi Ashley, want to have dinner and sex tonight? I laughed… basically yes. I know before I go if I’m having sex.

You want to know what’s unromantic and not smooth? Is being invited over for dinner and then starting to question what is happening? Is he coming on to me? But wait, I thought ….and then feeling pressure. And confusion…

You’re not able to enjoy the moment, the person and connecting.

Listen Renegades, I’m not saying it isn’t possible to see if it will go there. Sure, but why not make sure the other person is in on the plan? Not assume or expect or throw it on them?

Because then you’ve made it awkward and now you are both wondering when it’s going to happen and when? Guess what? YOU already were feeling awkward.…

You’re totally consumed and not enjoying the evening cause you are trying to figure out how you are going to get her in your bed.

Honestly, if you are single, these are some lazy attempts to get laid. But if you’re a parent and married you know this the move. You’re allowed to us the I’m tired want to lay down strategy because you got to get it when and where you can.

Single people? Knock it off. Use your words. Risk being told no and feeling rejected.

Which leads me to this guy… who was telling me about kissing on first dates. He feels it out- like a vibe check- and if it seems right, he goes in for it.

I was curious, do you ever ask her if you can kiss her or you just decide and go in for it?

Right away he said the feminine wants to feel your force. She doesn’t want to be asked. It’s not manly.

I said, force huh?

Well, not force but you know what I mean. The feminine wants a man who takes what he wants. It’s hot. The feminine is attracted to that.

You know what I think is hot? A man / the masculine who has the courage to ask for what he wants. To ask me what I want. If I’m into what he’s offering? I find the masculine building trust with me dials up my turn on. The masculine who can communicate what he wants.

When you say to the feminine, she should want the masculine to take her, I want to offer that maybe you consider what that really means for her. To her. Is it consensual? How would you even know unless you asked? You can’t. It requires you using your words.

There’s what I’m going to call this misconception that the masculine should just take and not ask. I’d like to offer that that type of masculine approach is very 1950’s and doesn’t include modern day updates such as consent.

I believe the masculine approach of taking her after you’ve had several dates and you both know what the other is into and have established some form of knowing and boundaries through communication.

I can count on one hand how many men have asked to kiss me.

When I reflected upon some of these moments in my history and saw myself and him, I can tell you, there were a lot of first and second kisses that yes- were very spontaneous - but did not feel sexy, fun or romantic.

It was more of a state of shock. A mental, oh… this is happening. Not all of them were that and I was into it. I won’t deny that. And I know you are thinking, but there are so many cues leading up to this moment - of course she knows.

Guess what, she doesn’t always know.

I’ll admit, consent is a new concept for me. What I was raised to know about sex and being a girl is almost the opposite of what we are teaching our children now.

I’ll also admit up until the last few years, the idea of a man asking to kiss me did seem too, not spontaneous…

I would have agreed- how unromantic - to stop and talk it all out. But the more time I spent realizing how many men have just inserted their tongues down my throat or asked me to dinner to fuck me and my reaction was to freeze and allow it the more I realized how awful I felt.

It’s the opposite of sexy and romantic, I can assure you.

Most women in these situations are not able to say, oh, were you thinking more? I don’t want to … or I’m not interested in that tonight.

The likelihood of her being able to use her voice and advocate on her behalf, if she’s not skilled in it will be near impossible.

Women are just now being told they have a say. And I’m super fucking serious when I tell you there’s a large chance that she’s in a state of flight or freeze.

We are in a time where women know and if they don’t, they need to know they have a say and we need to educate the men on how to communicate and use their words.

More than that, we need men educating men on it.

I’ve spent the last 2 decades being a woman thinking oh my god, how did I get here? Not knowing that this is what that invite meant and thinking, it’s too late now.

The courage that is required for me to walk out of that room or party was too much and more than not, I couldn’t. Instead, I swapped out that terrible feeling for the emotions to just stay. So I didn’t make someone mad, hurt or embarrass both of us.

I won’t do that anymore. Before I put my brain or body in a place of discomfort - meaning even the discomfort of thinking about and spinning out about, Renegades I communicate and ask questions.

So many questions.

Call it annoying, unsexy, no element of surprise- call it whatever you’d like.
I refuse to do that to myself anymore. I don’t have to.

Sexy is having the courage to ask me and risk hearing no. Masculine is letting the feminine surrender and holding space for her to feel and flow. Not take or force.

The masculine earns her trust and shows the strength to hold space for deeply emotional feeling state of surrender. The masculine worships her and satisfying her is nutrients to his soul. The masculine doesn’t even have to ask the feminine once they’ve reached this space of knowing and trust.

They’ve communicated. Consented. There is a shared and mutual agreement. She will receive him and all the pleasure because she is open to it.

When I know I can trust my partner I can completely surrender and that is where the magic happens for both people. The masculine gets to fully take because I’m fully open.

That starts with building rapport through communication and consent.

What if getting consent was sexy?

You asking and making sure I feel safe, heard and held. What if that is romantic?
What if it was a requirement? How would you go about asking someone to dinner or sex? Would you be willing to communicate and go through the process? Or does your brain think, that sounds like a lot of work for a booty call or someone who I barely know.

And ladies, you have to take some responsibility here too.

This means we as women also have to know our boundaries and honor those. How do we stop finding ourselves in uncomfortable situations? Staying because we are too nervous to say I want to go home.

My advice to all you women out there is that you do your absolute best to communicate and advocate for yourself. KNOW as much as possible beforehand.
Ask questions. If a man is inviting you to dinner and you think it might mean sex and you’re not interested in that you might consider establishing that before you go over?

But what if that’s not what he was thinking - you’ll be mortified. Maybe. But you’ll also not be spending valuable brain energy spinning out wondering and stressing if that’s what is going to happen or not. Or find yourself having sex with someone you don’t want to.

Risk mortified, Renegades! You could respond with something like…

Oh my god, you don’t want to have sex with me? This is wild… like, this has never happened to me before. Wow. What a feeling.
And laugh at yourself.

Or.

You don’t? Great! We are on the same page… What can I bring?

We are so afraid of what’s on the other side of our truth or find it too scary to speak. Your courage is required when it comes to communicating. And courage doesn’t feel good. It’s what you need when you are on the frontlines of battle.

Learning how to communicate evolves your capacity to feel and develops your confidence. You show yourself you can use your words and not die. You can feel scared, rejected, vulnerable and not die. Yes, you may win some and lose some. But in my opinion, they are never losses. They weren’t the one. That’s it.

Rather than pushing those feelings away and resisting them, we let them be there AND inquire what is going on within? What’s coming up for me? Why am I having a hard time voicing this? What do I think will happen? What would it be costing me to not communicate?

Inquire. Seek. Reveal.

This practice keeps you connected to you.

The people who don’t like you speaking your truth can leave. This is where you really start to gain the confidence. You realize that speaking your truth means losing people who don’t get you AND you find out you have your back. I can’t tell you how good it feels.

That you don’t need to do or be someone you’re not just to keep people around. And you get to spend your time doing what you want with people who are on the same page.

I will tell you. I’ve communicated some very difficult words to people and the ones who respected me and honored who and how I want to be in relationship worked through those experiences with me. We had the hard conversations together, broke down and built back up stronger.

THIS is the shit I’m talking about right here. I want to go deep with people.
I want you to want to go deep. You can stay in the shallow end but you won’t grow there Renegades. When you play small you stay small.

I want you to feel the discomfort of saying No or Yes and celebrate standing up for yourself and what you want.

I want you learn to ask a woman if she wants to make love with you? If you could take her upstairs and satisfy her until you fall asleep. I want you to tell him, I’d love to have you over for dinner and sex and I’d prefer sex before we eat.

I want you to spend all your energy asking for and saying what you want and hearing no until you don’t care anymore. That hearing the no is the best news because now you know.

Practice saying your words. Practice asking them to tell you everything. What they mean exactly? And tell them. What do you have to lose?

Trust that you can experience the uncomfortable emotions that come with communicating and honoring yourself.

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