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Ep #61

Second Chances

I’m not sure what’s happening right now, Renegades. Perhaps it’s the pandemic and more people reconnecting, but I’ve been hearing from quite a few people who are rekindling connections with a blast from the past. If you have another chance at a relationship, you may be focused on making things right this time around.

It can feel like a dream to reconnect with an old flame, and you don’t want to fuck it up, I get it. Maybe you believe it’ll work out this time, or maybe you’re having conflicting beliefs. Either way, this second chance you’ve been gifted is only going to work if both parties are willing to be brutally honest with each other.

In today’s episode, I’m showing you why spending time going back in your mind and playing out what happened last time doesn’t serve you and how to approach things from now on. I explain why things aren’t happening to you – you’re choosing them, and why getting brutally honest with each other will serve you in the long run, whether the relationship works out or not.

What You Will Discover:

  • The real issue you’re facing when it comes to your second chance.
  • Why people are so unwilling to communicate in relationships.
  • How to stop focusing on things that aren’t useful.
  • Why it is essential to have uncomfortable conversations in a relationship.
  • The importance of speaking your truth.
  • How to stop looking for evidence from your past about why something didn’t work out.

Resources Mentioned:

  • If you’re enjoying the tools and concepts I’m sharing each week about your brain on dating, you won’t want to miss out on working with me one-on-one. I’ve just launched my program, Wake Up Before Another Breakup, where in just 8 weeks, you won’t question if you can trust yourself to date or why you can’t find the one. Click here to learn more about it and how you can work with me.

Enjoy the Show?

You know those relationships that you were never able to get over? Let go of? Carried with you for years, wondering if you’d ever get another chance? You date, but still believe this person was the one.

I feel like something is in the air 2021 because I’ve been hearing from quite a few people that there is a blast from the past and you can’t believe it. After all this time you’ve been given another chance and you don’t want to fuck it up.

I’ve heard a few people tell me a variety of things like: I can’t do what I did last time. I’ve got to do it differently. Take it slower. You know, I put too much pressure on him last time, he’s just not in a place for that right now. If I’m too vocal, I’ll scare her aware. She needs space and time to decide.

Then it’s; I feel like they just unload on me but don’t ask me anything. They don’t communicate with me at all. I send messages and don’t hear back for days. I would like to know what we are doing but they don’t even have time to see me right now, how do I even begin to ask for a label?

Before too long, this is exactly what happened last time. She needed space and was feeling too much pressure. I think she’s pulling away again. He’s doing it again. He’s canceling plans- I can’t tell if he’s in or he’s out. Our relationship label is one sided… just like before.

I feel like I’m having emotional whiplash. One client told me. Another said, I can’t trust him. My walls are up.

Here’s the thing; this person might do the exactly what they did before. It may end, again. And you might be right, they deserve to be sent to fuck off island but here’s the real issue. You are 100% invested in finding out if this your second chance.

The thoughts you have about having this second chance are leading the way. There is zero question of whether or not you’re going to pursue the relationship. You have chosen your destination.

The real question is do you want to map this out and make it as comfortable as possible or do you want the road to take you where it takes you?

What I want you to consider today is how do you want to go about getting there? How do you want to feel on this journey?

When I found myself in between thoughts and the sweet universe gave me an opportunity to find out what I really believed and you now what? You know what I thought? I thought, this is going to be a train wreck. Followed by, there is no way I’m not not boarding this train. That’s how this shit is sometimes, right. What do we say about brains every week? That’s right class. Brains are a mother fucker.

Renegades, when you are thinking about going on vacation or a road trip how much time do you spend playing out all the what if’s? Dreading the worst-case scenarios. Imagining how horrible it’s going to be getting there? If you even make it?

Hardly, right. Usually, there’s an air of excitement about going somewhere new. You’re imaging the activities - the sights you’ll see. The food you’ll try. You’re researching all the restaurants, reading reviews. Looking at the hotels. All the scenic shit you can drive by on the way there.

And sure, you’re realistic and practical about what could happen but more than not, you are fantasizing about getting away from it all.

When I’m getting ready for a road trip, I try to imagine the next 15 hours in the car and ask myself, how can I make this as relaxing for myself as possible? How can set myself up for a day that I know is going to be long, uncomfortable with a lot of uncertainty as cozy and comfy as possible? I tell myself a road trip and being in the car is forward movement. Time to meditate and reflect- I create playlists to set my mood. I wear soft clothing I can layer and unlayer, shoes I can easily slip on and off. I pack a cooler with all the snacks. Paper towels, toilet paper, wet wipes hand sanitizer… Books on tape. Podcasts on the que. I know that there will be bumps in the road. I fill the car up with gas before I leave town. Flat tires are a possibility. You know what I mean? You prepare for these things. You don’t think too much about the possibility of running over a sweet innocent raccoon or visualize its tiny hands in the headlights, but it could happen. It did happen. But you’re not spending hours fretting about it before hand.

So anyway, you have set yourself up mentally and prepared for what you can. You hope that when you arrive at your hotel to check in your given an upgrade with the most amazing room and view. Of course you want turn down service and breakfast included.

Is there a possibility that you will have an insanely long day on the road, get to the hotel, find out that that your room isn’t ready? Sure. That’s a possibility. Could you be halfway there and get a phone call that they are having to close because of Covid restrictions and ask that you find somewhere else to stay? Of course… Anything is possible. Obviously, you will be disappointed, but I imagine in that situation you wouldn’t waste much time thinking this is your fault and pandemics always happen when you go on vacation but instead you start looking for somewhere to stay nearby.

Right? You’d hit that google, figure out what to do and re-enter a new destination into your GPS.
You’d be determined to make sure you weren’t going to be stranded in the middle of nowhere helpless.

On your journey I imagine you wouldn’t spend a lot of time and energy thinking about the things you passed. What you saw back there or going back to see it. It’s not useful. Much like looking to our past for evidence as to why it didn’t work out last time.

Like, for example and sticking with the road trip analogy: While driving somewhere near the Texas - New Mexico border you might swerve to miss running over a giant tarantula in the desert and the passenger might have missed seeing this fluffy spiny creature and the driver might insist they turn the car around so the passenger can witness terrifying things that give them nightmares in real life so there you are, going back to see it and then the driver runs it over for reals this time on accident. Except this time the passenger sees it right before the driver takes its furry little life. But the driver isn’t convinced they ran it over and wants to do another drive by because they can’t believe that just happened. That the driver nearly took the car off the road to swerve and miss the tarantula the first time only to go back and run it over.
This is a true story by the way. And not unlike the reality of spending time going back in our minds playing out what we saw last time.

I heard recently that closure is you going back to hear again what you already know. I’ve been there. This is all part of the process though, Renegades.

Maybe you believe it’s going to work this time. Maybe you need more information on why it’s not meant to be. I don’t know. Only you know… but remember; this isn’t happening to you. You are choosing it. It’s easy to forget that when we are consumed with and being romanticized with other thoughts about a second chance. It feels like a dream getting to try again. If it works out this time, it will make what happened before worth it.

Renegades.

Get the story out on paper. All sides and from every angle and viewpoint. Highlight your contradicting thoughts. I always thought she was the one. She doesn’t like spending a lot of time together.
Do those align with you? For you? See what you believe vs where you are in the process. Is there Cognitive dissonance? This is when you have two opposing beliefs in your mind that cause contradictory behaviors and attitudes.

Bear in mind when you are making your way from one belief to the next, you will find yourself navigating the river of suck.

Sometimes it’s like treading water. Other times it feels like we are swimming upstream while other times we feel as if we are being pulled back to where we started from. It’s okay. Like Dori, lose your memory a little and just keep swimming. Be like a goldfish and have a 6 second memory and don’t spend time beating yourself up about it. Look at what happened, learn from it then let it the fuck go. Just keep swimming.

Do you want to question what every text means and create self-doubt over the texts that aren’t sent? Constantly looking for evidence to how he’s being just like he was.

No. And look, these are the streets you are used to going down, but WAZE is not telling you to turn down this street so get the fuck off that street. It’s under construction. We are blowing up roads of self-doubt and paving new streets called confidence.

Decide if you want to believe him when he says, ‘I’ll communicate with you if I’m no longer interested in trying to make this work?’ And then believe it.

Decide to trust that, when he’s not calling it’s not because somethings wrong with you or the relationship. Tell your brain where to go and then go.

Be clear about how you want to feel on this ride; calm, smoothly, gentle and ask yourself how you can give that to yourself on the way.
Choose the thoughts that would create this feeling.

The number one trend that I noticed was that each of these individuals isn’t willing to communicate on their behalf. They don’t want to fuck it up. And in doing so they are fucking themselves. They are distracted. Upset. And very uncomfortable.

I just read a quote from Mark Groves; If you want to live a full life, you have to tell the truth. Anything that is held together by you playing small or silencing your voice is only secure when you are not you. So that means you feel ‘secure’, but you don’t feel safe to be yourself. When we speak the truth our relationships are invited to either fracture or deepen. The container that holds our relationship will either break or expand. Either way, we are set free.

In order to go back both parties are going to have to be brutally honest with each other. Be willing to have the uncomfortable conversations about what went wrong last time, how you think this time will be different. How you want to see it go- put that into your GPS and work back together the road map about what it’s going to look like for you both to get there. This could be the most amazing work you both do, regardless of what it looks like when you arrive at your destination.

Renegades, you have to risk losing someone to save yourself.

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