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Ep #64

Trauma is Trauma

Imagine if you will Renegades, a completely modern city, typically bustling with hundreds of thousands of people, frozen over and in the dark. This is the surreal reality of what Texas became during recent traumatic events.

For those of you who may not know, here in Texas, we have just experienced a snowstorm, which, combined with extremely low temperatures, left millions without power, heat, or water. In any other state, such conditions would not be a problem, but our infrastructure literally cannot deal with that kind of weather.

In this episode, I’m discussing how we process traumatic events such as this, and why even though several people share an experience, they will deal with it very differently. I’m contemplating my own actions during this disaster and sharing how inspiring it is when people come together during traumatic events.

What You Will Discover:

  • The conditions right now here in Texas.
  • Why our infrastructure isn’t built to deal with disasters like this.
  • How people come together during traumatic times.
  • Why our brain doesn’t qualify if one thing is worse than another.
  • How each person’s brain interprets events differently.
  • Why you might not want to have sex during times of crisis.

Resources Mentioned:

  • If you’re enjoying the tools and concepts I’m sharing each week about your brain on dating, you won’t want to miss out on working with me one-on-one. I’ve just launched my program, Wake Up Before Another Breakup, where in just 8 weeks, you won’t question if you can trust yourself to date or why you can’t find the one. Click here to learn more about it and how you can work with me.
  • Ep# 63: The Greatest Act of Love

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I haven’t been sure where or how to start this week’s episode Renegades. For those of you in Texas, you know that we just experienced what I will call quite a traumatic event last week. For those of you who don’t live in this area or didn’t hear, because the media is what it is and never quite delivers the reality of what is going on from the ground up, we had a snowstorm combined with freezing temps which in almost any other state would be no big thang, but you see in Texas, we don’t have the infrastructure. Which is something we all say here, we don’t have the infrastructure, our roads aren’t built to handle snow and ice, Texans don’t know how to drive in this weather… blah blah blah. We’ve all been saying that, but it never occurred to us that on a statewide level, we didn’t actually have the infrastructure in place to keep our power and heat on. Or the ability to prevent pipes from freezing and bursting.

Imagine if you will, a total modern city bustling with hundreds of thousands of people frozen over and in the dark.

I mean, I wrote in my newsletter last week after making it home - I wrote this with power but under a boil water restriction- I wrote this during a sunny day that was 70 degrees and there were literally zero signs that we had ever seen snow here.

I wrote.

What started out as a beautiful white winter land, slight comedic disbelief watching cars and people try to navigate the roads + sidewalks, walking in the snow to the capital and watching my child capture this moment in time, quickly turned into a powerless, waterless, freezing disaster that none of us Texans were prepared for.

The entire experience felt reminiscent and familiar to lasts years news about Covid and a pandemic; we were told it wouldn’t be that big of a deal, then we were told we would have rolling power then we were told they didn’t know when we would have it. Then our government officials blamed and lied - and then it all came back on like nothing had happened.

If you live in Texas and you didn’t know we were powered by our own grid, you definitely do now.

It’s been shocking, sad and incredibly traumatic on top of an already traumatic year. You would think life would not do things like natural disasters, the death of pets and heartache when you are living in a pandemic. But life doesn’t work that way. If anything, this is exactly how life works.

Live long enough and you are bound to believe “It can and will happen to me.” Saying it is new and I’m still not on the roof tops shouting “It can and will happen to me” but I’ve been humbled thinking, that won’t happen to me or us.

Our city loses power? What? It’s 2021. That’s not going to happen to us.

Talk about surreal. Seeing people walking the streets with bags trying to get food or shelter, our un-homed urgently being picked up by buses to be taken to convention centers and hotels- which ran out of space, lines around markets whose shelves were bare- people burning their furniture to stay warm. Families and friends huddled up together sharing their food.

People did not know what to do. And the city clearly didn’t know what to do… But I’ll also tell you this; the minute the people of this city were able to get into their frozen shut cars, they hit the road fucking running. It’s an incredible thing to witness- community support- mutual aid- citizens getting involved to help those who need it. It’s inspiring. Encouraging. Heartwarming.

I wish that some of these people would run for office, get on the city council. They have the can do required to get shit done.

What’s interesting is that not all people are capable of this sort of effort. And I think we, in society tend to forget that. I also think that most people aren’t aware of this other fact- and it might seem like sure okay yah, or hmmm makes sense but what’s really the big deal- but there is this fact that not all people process trauma the same way.

Several people could each share an experience for example, the holocaust or being a victim to rape but each of those people will process that trauma differently. Some will process it and move on in a way where they are not affected by it daily whereas others relive it daily and are in a constant state of trauma.

Those may seem like extreme examples, but I also want to remind you that the brain doesn’t translate or qualify what is a traumatic event or if one is worse than the other- so you add natural disasters, fight with your best friend or partner, quarantine, job losses, pandemics, deaths to the list as worse than the other.

Each person’s brain interprets events differently. What’s traumatic for some, might not be for others. It’s an individual experience.

We know that when the brain experiences a trauma, things take a right-angle turn. New neuro-pathway and way of being are developed. Again, this varies per individual as well.

Not every individual will fall into a traumatic state from these events but it’s likely they are operating from a primitive survival reactive state. Fight, flight or freeze.

The reason I’m mentioning this is because I’ve talked to and heard from so many people this last week and with the exception of a few most of you are stunned and not sure why. You think you should feel differently than you do.

You’ve also shared that you:
Feel guilty.
You feel judged.
You feel embarrassed.
You feel shame.
You feel fear and shock.

I would not hesitate to pause and feel into these feelings my friends. Those and any others that are coming up are warranted.

I’ve spent this last week taking note of how I responded to the crisis emotionally, physically and spiritually. Upon first reflection I was disappointed with myself. How could you have not journaled each day. Taken more time to mediate? Laughed more, made love and enjoy being off the grid. Read.

It was like I shut down and forgot all about myself care. All I could each day was check in with my family, make them food, cook for my friends and sit.

Thankfully my lover saw that I was riddled with anxiety and insisted I follow a guided mediation and that shifted things for me dramatically.

Our brains were experiencing a chemical release of all the stress hormones. Daily drips of cortisol, adrenaline- our sympathetic nervous system was in full activation. And this Renegades, is a real buzz kill. Literally. It blocks you from all your feel-good juices.

I’ve mentioned before a quote Navy Seals train by: Under pressure you don’t rise to the occasion, you sink to your level of training.

It turns out this quote was taken from a Greek poet named Archilochus who originally said, “We don't rise to the level of our expectations, we fall to the level of our training.”

This is why I refer to myself and the Renegades as Baby Seals. We are out here doing the work and training. No doubt about it, but hot damn it’s humbling when the real thing happens.

Last week I talked about how hard many of us trained for marathons, or within our yoga practice. Competing in athletic events and polar bear plunges to show us what we are capable of. What we were made of. That was practice for what is very now a very real and challenging times.

That type of training showed us that we have grit, capability, discipline- that we could acquire the skillset to overcome the obstacles in front of us.

What I want to offer is that we Renegades master the art of breathing.

It’s the only way to regulate your nervous system which is what is required when in crisis.

From a place of breath we can examine our thoughts and discern from there.
We zoom out and with an eagle’s eye we observe how we showed up. How did we perform? Where did we thrive vs survive?

This isn’t from a place of judgment but compassionate curiosity.

You might be asking why this matters. It’s over.

Because this isn’t going to be our last crisis, my friends. We want foresight.

And we need to process and heal.

We want to Inquire Seek and Reveal.

See the thoughts you had. Notice the sensations in your body. How you were acting with yourself and others around you. What was your internal experience during a crisis? Put it on paper.
To get your body and mind back on track meditate, rest, take naps, have orgasms, dance, workout. We want to start raising the beta endorphin, serotonin and dopamine levels in our brains and bodies.

I’ve heard from some of you sex was not top of mind- I experienced this as well and as a -what I would call- highly sexual being found that to be intriguing.

So next week I’m going to talk about sex, stress and why times of crisis may lead you to feel zero desire to get it on.

You know, I feel tested. I deliberately decided that 2021 would be the year we started finding the turn on in life every day.

How the fuck can we live an erotic life in unprecedented times? Find pleasure when shit is going sideways.

These are the deep questions that I’ll be exploring…

Until next week Renegades, think sexy.

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