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Modern Renegades with Ashley Kelsch | What's the Rush?

Ep #67

What’s the Rush?

Renegades, has it ever occurred to you that meeting someone doesn’t have to be this super-charged, emotional experience? That when you aren’t feeling all the feels, there’s still a chance you could connect with someone and be in a relationship eventually?

If you’re looking to be with someone forever, let me ask you; why rush it? Getting to know someone and creating a connection is where emotional intimacy evolves. You grow as people, and you should savor this process and the bond that is being formed.

In this episode, I’m sharing why we tend to want to rush through dating, and why we should pause and think consciously about what we want to feel, and what kind of person we want to be attracted to. I’m encouraging you to slow down, take a breath, and ask yourself whether you really need to move so quickly in a new relationship, and how slowing down and reflecting will transform your experience of dating.

What You Will Discover:

  • The difference between love and lust.
  • Why you shouldn’t change who you are just to keep somebody around.
  • The importance of learning to pace your emotions.
  • How your brain tricks you into feeling ‘in love’.
  • Why so few people take the time to get to know themselves when it comes to dating.
  • How to detach yourself from the outcome.
  • The importance of taking the time to get to know someone.

Resources Mentioned:

  • If you’re enjoying the tools and concepts I’m sharing each week about your brain on dating, you won’t want to miss out on working with me one-on-one. I’ve just launched my program, Wake Up Before Another Breakup, where in just 8 weeks, you won’t question if you can trust yourself to date or why you can’t find the one. Click here to learn more about it and how you can work with me.

Enjoy the Show?

Renegades,

I’m taking all the fun out of falling in love and dating today.

Do you want to know the number one mistake I’m observing in the dating world? It’s the urgent rush to call this love and claim we have found the one. To skip the entire process of dating and getting to know someone so you can settle into a relationship. Be in a relationship.

I just knew when we met. It was love at first sight.

Within 3 weeks he told me he can’t think of anyone else WONT think of anyone else - that this is it. She said she’d be out with other guys on dates, but I was the one she was thinking of. We just knew.

Has it occurred to you that meeting someone doesn’t have to be this super charged emotional experience? That when you aren’t feeling all the feels there’s still a chance that you could connect.

You believe you should know at a glance and an interaction. That a relationship should unfold from Hi, How are you… I’m in love with you let’s spend our lives together. It’s true.

Where is the who are you?

How are you trusting your entire future on a ‘feeling’? ‘intuition’?

Based off an immediate charge you get when you meet rather than spending the time getting to know them and focusing on the data of this person and how they align with your values, priorities and boundaries.

How’s that sexy? That doesn’t sound nearly as exciting. Boring actually.

You believe that if you meet someone and don’t have a charge, that there isn’t anything there. If you don’t feel all these feelings, chemistry and connection there isn’t any possibility.

Despite all logic, talks with friends where you claim otherwise you still want the love story that starts with, I just knew.

This is the moment you are holding out for. This is how you think it will be to find the one. To fall in love.
I cannot stress this next statement enough.

THAT PERSON DOESN’T KNOW YOU. You don’t know them. You aren’t in love with them. It’s called Lust, y’all.

I was watching Call my Agent and there was this conversation where one man says about his girlfriend we are in a in love - we are in a relationship -and the other man says “you are not in a relationship you’ve only been together for 3 months.

Well what would you call this then?

And he replies ‘a romantic comedy… A relationship starts after 3 years.’

It takes time to get to know someone and I mean really know them. Few people take the time to really get to know themselves, let alone the people sitting across from them.

Have you ever considered that what you know of someone is all in your head? That the relationships you are having are comprised of your thoughts about them.

Which is exactly what is happening when you have these early encounters.

When you have a direct experience with a person, meaning when they are talking to you and you are listening, your brain is interpreting their thoughts and feelings based off what you are trying to discover, your life experience etc.

And then when they are not in front of you, and you continue to think about them you are still experiencing the relationship. In your brain.

Remember; the brain doesn’t know what you are imagining or what is happening in front of you. If you think it, you experience it.

So you know what? You are falling in love my sweet little Renegade. With an idea of someone that you are imagining. A future or possibility that you are daydreaming and fantasizing about. This is why it feels real and like love. Your brain does not know the difference between the imagined and the what is actually happening. Kind of amazing. But in these instances not so much. All these thoughts are creating juicy chemicals… your brain is bathing in love hormones.

And you start behaving like a person in love.

Have you considered what love is? What a relationship is for you? How do you actually imagine it playing out? Take a minute right now and think about the last time you met someone; how many seconds until you saw yourselves in bed, sharing a home, together. Watch your brain - there’s some good stuff for you there to examine.

These instant attractions- I felt at home when we met- might be really good clues and indicators that you need to hit pause.

I’ve been listening to my friend go through a breakup recently but before it all shook out she told me how she felt in her intuition this was it. It was home. I thought, shit. Home for you was not a good place. He’s sparking a familiar past pain.

Our brains download what we are used to feeling as a child, in other relationships…

What have your past relationships been like? Has there been consistent commonality?

When you talk about your childhood, what’s the theme of the story? Bring some awareness here. These are just a few indicators to the people places and things you will be drawn too.

Once you have the awareness around what you’re chemically charged by and drawn to you you can decide how you want to feel and what kind of person you want to be drawn to. Write it down. What exactly does it look like? Play it out in your mind. See yourself in a relationship that isn’t like the ones you’re used to. This requires practice and repetition. And buckets of compassion kindness and grace.

You’re getting to know you in this process.

I once had a man tell me I felt like home to him. He could just feel I was the one. It wasn’t long after that I understood what home was like for him as I watched our love play out and manifest in toxicity.

I was so desperate to be loved. To be someone’s home that I overlooked the fact that this wasn’t what love was or is. This was a chemical attraction to the familiar discomfort that I was so used to.

Not all my experiences were like this, I assure you but the ones that came in fast have historically been the ones where I’ve found myself absolutely wrecked after.

This required my full attention; forget their behavior- what was going on with me that welcomed this? My impulse to go all in based off what someone else is saying- I’ve never seen my future with someone the way I do you… sounds so romantic but come on… of course you haven’t. This is literally the first time you are doing it. Why should that wet my panties. But god did it ever. You’ve never thought of your life like this before? I’m the one causing it. I must be so special. I felt chosen.

Some people have this shit down too. This is what they do. And listen, this doesn’t mean you don’t feel all oooey gooey over flowers being sent to you or the constant texts, but you don’t plunge off into this is it and create your future and land on together forever.

You learn to pace your emotions. The relationship. You receive, relish in it and have no expectations or make it mean it’s anything else.

You want to dilute this chemical drip a bit. No one wants to hear this, but the higher you go the more you feel the lower you fall. It’s literally a matter of how you process emotions. If you get uber excited about something you’re going to get uber disappointed about something else.

But let me share a little inside scoop. The reason why you want to avoid the getting to know process and head straight into let’s lock this shit down is because dating is uncomfortable.

You want to get straight into the I love you and romantic feel good so you can avoid the discomfort that comes from the unknown. I recently wrote an article for Tribeza about this called Dating While Newly Single is About finding yourself, not someone else. https://tribeza.com/ashley-kelsch-dating-newly-single/

We all think that when we start dating again it’s going to be soooo much fun, we will have all the yes’s, like who would ever reject this. You get out into the world thinking only of how much freedom you will have- and you don’t consider the flip side of dating. Dating is just like life- it’s going to feel 50% good and 50% bad.

You are so uncomfortable on that ride that you are trying to control an outcome and get the relationship secured without even knowing that much about the other person.

This is where you lose sight; you stop collecting data - you are so concerned with what they are doing and where they are - in your head that you aren’t checking in with how you feel - what you think about them you just need this idea of your happy ending to play out. The possibility is in sight and you refuse to see any information that might contradict it.

There is a balance here. One where you show up, date in a way that is authentic to you watch it play out.

My client called me and said I’m really into this guy, but I think I’m being too nice, but I am a nice person, and my friends are telling me I should not be so available, and I have other people I could date but this guy checks all the boxes, and I don’t really want to invest my time in anyone else.

Renegades. Stop making the process more difficult. If you want to call the guy, call. If it’s too much for him and he’s not ready for someone who calls him either decide to call less or find someone who wants to hear from you every day. Don’t change who you are in hopes to keep someone around.

Who you are is going to reveal itself eventually, let him know now. There’s no confusion here. Clear is kind.

This can work if you are intentional about and being mindful to be yourself.

When I say manage your mind, I mean observe your thoughts. Notice how they make you feel. Ask yourself is this real or am I fluffing the scene?

No matter how you go about dating, there will come a point where the uncomfortable feelings come up because you are dealing with another human. There is no way around the doubt, the insecurity possible jealousy, anger, hurt feelings. Create a container to feel through them. Allow them. Know that nothing has gone wrong.

If you are looking to be with someone forever, why rush it? Getting to know someone, creating a connection and depth is where the emotional intimacy evolves between you. Savor this process and the bond that is being formed. Any time we are rushing to have something we are usually thinking our life will be better if and when.

Ask yourself, what’s the rush? How do I think my life will be different when I’m in love or have a partner? What about me is going to change? What will I be feeling?

Lastly, why am I waiting to be that and feel those feelings? It’s all available right now Renegades.

Let’s slow our roll and work on learning how to satisfy our needs. Get to know exactly what we want and take pleasure in getting to know people and ourselves along the way.

This sounds like such a smoother ride, no?

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