Remember when you were younger and someone would do something and it would hurt your feelings? But instead of being hurt or sad you would get angry, mad or hateful? And you would look for all the reasons why you were so pissed.
How you had every right to be?
Yes, that was me a few weeks ago. It was kind of amazing really. Not the anger or rage, but the absolute absence of awareness around the entire situation.
Yes, even me who claims to practice awareness….
Needless to say, I’ve taken responsibility for my feelings.
Read ago out it here…
After the boy scout and I broke up in December his first questions were now what? How do we move forward? I was like, what do you mean? Like be- – friends??
Well, yah. I’m closer to you than most people and you know so much about me. I don’t think we have to end that part…
Ummm, yah. We weren’t friends before so why would I be your friend now? I don’t do that… We dated. Now we aren’t. We aren’t anything.
Seemed pretty cut and dry until a week or two later I thought.. okay, maybe we can be friends. I don’t know. What’s the big deal?
Which is always cute. It seems so innocent at the time.
You mean you told me you love me but don’t want to be with me but want to be my friend?
Yah let’s try that.
Let’s be- – friend’s
So I decided to call him… We talked. Like we always talked but without the normal whose place are we staying at and when can I suck your face off.
You know, Like friends.
It all seemed fine and normal until I realized my mind couldn’t help but read into things.
Can we all agree that this is the real bitch. Having this mind, thinking all the thoughts, watching it all play out knowing we can’t stop it. It’s almost as if the watcher is entertained by the ego.
You mean like friends?
So he’d say the things and I would wonder why he would say that and remind myself we were just friends and that it’s all I wanted but it’s not not nice to hear that he still thinks I’m hot.
I played this out. For maybe a week. I even felt like I had some sort of control over who was rejecting who now… if that makes sense… he would imply something and I’d respond with that’s not gonna happen we’re friends.
Then I started to feel annoyed. Agitated, if you will.
I mean, being friends is like a two way street. This doesn’t feel that way. It feels like he gets a friend from me but what am I getting?
I started to feel used. I started telling myself this is exactly how the entire relationship was all on his terms. We spent time when he wanted. We went out when he was free. We shared feelings when he led…
This isn’t friends! This is one sided. As a matter of fact; he’s shady. Something isn’t adding up here. You don’t just tell someone you love them and then a week later say you don’t want to be in a relationship. Something must have happened. Or he’s a sociopath…
The people in my life would never just pull the rug out from under me. Friends or otherwise he’s not telling me something… there’s a part of the story I’m missing.
Fuck this friendship. He’s shady and I don’t have shady friends.
He called me later that day which I found sus. He must be feeling guilty is what I thought to myself.
I composed myself. Despite my ego and soap opera role playing I’m very non confrontational.
I told him in my soft shaky voice, I didn’t think we should be friends.
He was shocked.
I was shocked that he was shocked.
To this day, I don’t think I’ve ever had someone fight so hard for my friendship. It confused me. I told myself he was doing it so he could feel better about himself.
Told him things didn’t add up.
Told him friendship isn’t one sided and that’s what this felt like.
Told him friends don’t just walk away from friends without doing the work…
He asked the questions;
So now what? How do we move forward?
I said the same way you did before you knew me;
As if I wasn’t in your life.
A non friend.
If I see you, I’ll say hi but otherwise go on with your life.
A few days went by. I started to feel better. I knew the boundaries I placed were necessary. I was inspired. I would make out with a stranger…
I felt alive.
And then I saw him a few weeks later.
literally almost ran into him. He hugged me. I criticized him and his CrossFit community.
I was bothered that I was bothered.
The next day, I told someone I saw him and that I didn’t think I even wanted to say hi next time.
I definitely didn’t want to hug.
It WANS NOT Consensual…
Let’s pause. I. Am. Embarrassed. Don’t think I’m proud of this behavior. But you all know I’m here for humanity. I’m willing to share this part of my brain and experience, because if I can save just one human…
Anyway, I’m on the phone. Tea is spilling everywhere
When the moment I didn’t know I’d been waiting for, happened.
I was given some information about him.
I was right.
He WAS Shady
I felt vindicated. Justified. Right. And a little sick.
I caution you…being right isn’t always fun.
I spent the rest of the day spinning out in my brain: I knew it!
I wanted to tell him horrible things. I wanted him to know I knew. I wanted him to feel horrible.
But I couldn’t. I had to protect my informants.
So instead I called him to schedule the delivery of a piece of furniture. And in my most don’t tell him what you know but let him know you know voice I said, hey, the next time you see me don’t hug me. It’s really unnecessary.
I went to bed sick with pride, vowing to move on. It was finally over. I could rest.
And I did.
I woke up indifferent. Inspired by one of the greats, T-Swift.
It isn’t love it isn’t hate, it’s indifference.
And over the last few weeks, I’ve felt cleared of all of it.
I manifested my stranger makeup sesh, trip to Hawaii and so much more.
And then along came Tuesday. After a mind blowing belief shattering weekend my brain is operating from a new software update. I’ll get into that later and coincidentally I needed to inform him, the boyscout, of the location change for the pick up of that piece of furniture I was referring to earlier.
This 600lb of matter that has kept up connected.
After my initial text, I decided to call. It was sort of out of body as I dialed and breathed and had zero anxiety around it – he answered. It was easy. We talked briefly about Kobe Bryant’s passing and how it prompted introspection over the weekend… And he spoke to all the ugly things I once wanted to scream at him, but from his perspective. Without me saying anything… And I was filled with compassion. My voice became one that was soft and gentle as I told him that me pushing him out of my life a few weeks ago had nothing to do with him. That though there was this supposed thing that had happened, I only used it as my excuse and justification to be mad and block him from my life.
That it wouldn’t have mattered; I was reaching for anything
to prove he was an awful person and I wasn’t.
To feel relief that I was no longer with him…
I wanted to control the situation
rather than just feel
or whatever the feelings were at the time.
That none of it mattered and had absolutely nothing to do with him.
It alllll just came out. In a way that surprised me.
I had a story in my mind and I needed wanted to be right rather than hurt.
I was the one lying to myself the entire time.
I wanted the focus to be on anything BUT what I was feeling and how I was showing up.
This was the truth.
I can see it. I can understand it. I can not judge it.
He apologized for the hurt he caused and offered to be here for me as a friend and that if I needed anything, he was here for me.
I told him that he didn’t owe me anything, that my experience was exactly what I needed. that I chose it. It was perfect and that I looked forward to being friends. And then I took him up on his offer and asked him to schedule my hair appt with our shared barber….
I can joke about the experience now and 100% see how I was projecting my thoughts on the situation but when it was happening I could’t see straight.
And it FELT horrible…
Here’s the reality- when we are angry, mad or resentful towards other people they can’t actually FEEL what our emotion but we the individual experiencing it -do.
Now I’m not going to be a dick and recommend you just love and accept everyone and everything… unless you can then do that. If you can choose love than do that. Love always feels better.
Or try this one from Martha Beck- I not only practice it but preach it to my clients.
drop an anchor. get preset in the moment-never stop learning- insist on the truth. put all your energy into your life’s work.
my personal advice is this…
be selfish and focus on you for just a minute
love the fuck out of yourself.
take the focus off them and Give yourself the light for 60 seconds
take a break from the story.
It’s not going anywhere.
ether focus solely on your breath or think of something that makes you FEEL good-
you can do that…
Until next week, consensual hugs and no complaining unless its conscious
oh and You’re beautiful.