Dear Faith & Nick,
I know you have both been spending time talking about what you could do for me for Mothers Day and of course, the thought alone makes me smile from the inside out, but it also got me thinking: I want to do something for you. Let’s be real, if you hadn’t chosen me as your mother, I wouldn’t have Mothers Day to celebrate. Sometimes I wonder what kind of person I would be if I hadn’t have had you. I don’t mean that to sound like I daydream about a life without kids, but instead how the two of you have shaped my life and the person I’ve evolved into.
Before you both came along, I didn’t have much direction in life.
I’m talking about the person who, when she found out she was going to be a mother, watched internally as all her priorities shifted without question and a truth North was shown.
Can I tell you guys a secret? My tongue was pierced when I found out I was first pregnant. I know this information won’t shock you now, but what might, is how quickly I had the urge to remove it. I couldn’t help but think, moms don’t have their tongues pierced and that was that.
I’m talking about a person who swore she never wanted kids only to find out it was because I knew deep down loving you this much and not being able to protect you forever and control your every outcome would be one of life’s longest, hardest lessons to practice.
I’m talking about the person who, when I first brought you home Nick, I cried and wished I could put you back inside me and then Arms Wide Open by Creed came on the radio and I felt like the Universe was telling me we’d be okay. Have I ever played you that song? You’d probably laugh, but I was able to breathe a little bit lighter that night listening to you sleep and make animal like noises. You literally baa-ed like a sheep.
I’m talking about the person who said she didn’t want a daughter and then suddenly at 5 months pregnant when all my friends were finding out they were having girls I was crying and begging that the baby I was carrying would be a girl. Faith, you not only proved me wrong about what it’s like to have a daughter, but you cement in me daily what I would have missed out on. I’ll never forget rocking you to sleep and admitting to you that I’d always been a tomboy and didn’t know how to fix girls hair or do make up and I was afraid I’d let you down. I should of known the internet would explode with the Kardashians and YouTube tutorials on how to do all of this and neither of us would never need to worry again. I should have also known you wouldn’t need a mother to teach you how to put on makeup, but instead someone to just hold you and love you.
I am talking about a person who didn’t know it was possible to not only love this much and this hard, but to forgive and be forgiven. I remember waking up on my 34th birthday with you two sleeping on either side of me. I looked at you both and thought, no matter what you do, it’s water under the bridge. That was the moment I understood unconditional love.
How much more could you teach me?
I watch how you interact with the adults and children around us and wonder, where do you get your empathy and nurturing instincts. I try to model it in my own behavior because the truth is, I’ve always been a little detached and scared to get too close to others.
I’m still the person who yells and screams when you get in trouble or misbehave, but have learned to apologize when I am wrong or notice that I may have gone slightly overboard… Obviously, your mouths have learned to do some hard-talking to stand up for your rights, aka the art of talking back and some of your recent acquired skill sets such as cheating, lying and/or withholding information, better known as shady behavior, have brought out the psycho-mom in me. Please know, my anger is really coming from a place of fear.
Be patient with me on this one. My personal experience was to learn things the hard way and I just want life to be easier for you.
When I recently commented on us being a normal family like any other, you both laughed and said we were not normal at all and went on about no one else having a ‘young, hot, tattooed mom who sells lingerie’, which I think was and is meant to be flattering. I was never one to swim with the current and have always tried to be mindful of how that might effect you. There was a short period Nick, where you didn’t want your friends at school to know what I did for work. We all just agreed to say that I was in retail and marketing. Faithers, do you remember your 1st grade class telling you I sold beds for Teddy Bears? That feels like a lifetime ago… Now I see as you take pride in what I do and encourage me daily not to give up. I also see how there might be some street ‘cred’ in there for you both as your friends find out now that we have a lingerie store… For very different reasons 😉
Parents like to ask me how you two feel about my tattoos. That had never occurred to me mostly because I’ve had them and have been getting them since before you were born. It’s pretty awesome to tell them you help me design and talk through which ones I want. I think the three of us know I crossed the line when I picked you up from summer camp 3 years ago with my septum pierced. I should have asked… I really didn’t think you’d mind.
Faith, I know I make you crazy with my last minute planning, procrastination nation I thrive in. Truthfully, watching your brother perform under the same pressure I do freaks me out and I can 100% appreciate where you are coming from. With that said, he and I both admire your ease and coolness to get things done ahead of time. We’re just not as motivated unless there is a fire under our ass…
Nick, I can’t imagine what it must be like living with two girls. Especially with a mother who is SO OPEN about everything, including all things deemed inappropriate, but I swear from the bottom of my heart, you will understand women and the world so much better for it. Gentle reminder: learn to not ask a woman if she’s having ‘that time of month’. No matter how right you may be, you will always be wrong.
You both truly are the best part of my life and I can say without a doubt that I wouldn’t be the woman I am today if it not for you two. You are literally the reason I get up in the morning. Yes, mainly because you won’t wake to your own alarms and you’ve left me with no choice, but also because I want to make you proud.
Thank you for giving me a reason to be my best self everyday as well as the space to fall down and get back up.
Life is a mother f***er after all and no matter how much we think we know, we will never know it all.
I love you both,