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I’ll have to die a thousand deaths

I’ve spent most of my life living in fear, doubt, judgment, resentment, anger- you name it- thinking that it was the only way for me.

This is who I am. I’m the queen of Power through.

White knuckle it.

Keep going. Isolate.

Don’t get close. People leave.

Don’t try. You’ll fail. Feelings?

Please don’t feel…

that would be weak.

You have to be strong. Independent.

Control everything around you; People. Feelings. Environment.

I created a delusional illusion of safety. I believed I was protecting myself.

The last 6 months I started asking who am I protecting myself from?

Am I in danger?

Do I not have a choice to feel differently?

Does my past have to continue to repeat itself?
Can I let go?

Can I stop blaming?

Can I forgive?

Can I ask for forgiveness?

Can I be sad? Can I soften?

That your human?
Can you love yourself, despite yourself?

Is it possible that the walls you’ve built up had nothing to do with anyone else, but instead, you?
It would appear to be that way, Renegades.

I recently recognized that I’ve had to die a thousand deaths to be the mother my kids need.

And it wasn’t easy!


Today it has occurred to me that I’ll have to continue to die a thousand other deaths to discover I have the capacity to love AND forgive MYSELF.

And that if I’m lucky, I’ll die a thousand more times over the next 40 years as I continue to lean into this space of understanding, forgiveness and compassion or what might be called an

Unconditional Self Love experience.

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