Inspired by #throwbackthursday via instagram, I decided to give a shoutout to my old self.
My #tbt is dedicated to the girl in this picture who was deeply struggling. Struggling with who she was. Struggling to find a way out of her second marriage. Struggling with how that would effect her kids. Struggling with what people might think of her when it was all said and done. Struggling with ‘why me?’ I remember she wanted to be alone- she craved space and quiet and couldn’t have it.
The only way she knew how to deal with her pain was with escapism by way of self harm; from working out on overtime, to eating disorders to drinking and pills to cleansing/fasting to quitting drinking altogether and isolating herself to signing up for every volunteer role at her kids school- you name it. Anything to keep from feeling, processing and accepting the choices that were made that led to where she was. It fucking sucked. She didn’t want her life. And she was exhausted.
The reality is, life is full of struggle. The key for me has been figuring out how to navigate it without falling back into ‘why me?’ and not getting stuck in self doubt and insecurity.
Waking up from being a victim and taking control of my life has not been easy. It has taken me years to learn healthy coping mechanisms and find balance. For me, finding balance in my day is everything- to stay in the middle is where my mind {heart & soul} thrives. Unfortunately, I’ve only ever known extremes. I have to work hard not to fall into my comfort zone.
It’s this work that keeps me trusting that there is a greater purpose, to trust the process and to remain grateful.
For all my people struggling, I see you. Find the meaning, not the shortcut out.
